Thursday, June 05, 2008

Crying Wolf

I don't so much have a crisis every now and then as I make big decisions, or start towards a big decision and then change my mind.

That's not bad in and of itself. No, what's bad is that I tell people my plans. I involve them, and then I call the whole thing off.

For a brief moment (okay, so for about the last 3 weeks), I had it in my head that the time to move was NOW, and that moving out of state was by far the best idea I'd had in months. I also had it in my head that WG would be coming along for the ride, ready to flee the joint before the end of summer.

Yeah, not so much.

As the initial excitment waned, I read more about the library systems in the state to which I intended, in my imaginary world, to move. I learned that one of the less expensive cities in the metro area is less expensive because it has a crime rate worse than Oakland. And my idea of keeping myself close(r) to home mean that WG was 13 hours FURTHER away from his family, and he's already 20+ hours away by car.

But even though I approached this with calm and cool. Even though I did research and made no commitments, filed no applications, I still feel embarassed about my enthusiasm, about my announced now-defunct-decision.

It's not the first time I've done this. It's not even the first time in a year that I've done this.

Last November, I seriously contemplated a move to another county...not job, just to a new apartment. But that fell through, and I found myself informing people that the decision had to be unmade. That's not an easy thing to do.

This time, I didn't tell a LOT of people, but I told enough people that I feel foolish about it. Clearly, I need to learn how to keep my mouth shut.

So, for now, there's no wolf. There's no need to set aside moving boxes for me. I'm still just sittin' here, a librarian with dreams of escape :Þ.

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