It's Times Like These I Wish We Could Climb Out of Our Skin

It's hot.

Last week, last week, I was shivering as I got into my car in the mornings. I'd shutter and sputter and shake my head before starting my car. My hands cramped with the cold.

Last night, however, I wished I could simply slip out of my skin and rest in my bones.

There's an old Shel Silverstein poem about this exact thing:

It’s hot!
I can’t get cool,
I’ve drunk a quart of lemonade,
I think I’ll take my shoes off
And sit around in the shade.

It’s hot!
My back is sticky,
The sweat rolls down my chin.
I think I’ll take my clothes off
And sit around in my skin.

It’s hot!
I’ve tried with ‘lectric fans,
And pools and ice cream cones.
I think I’ll take my skin off
And sit around in my bones.

It’s still hot!

It's true, you see. I think if I had walked around in my bones, I would still have melted. I returned to my home at 9 at night. NINE AT NIGHT! And it was 89 degrees inside. 89 degrees inside a house is much hotter than 89 degrees outside. I opened the windows and doors, turned on the fan, and tried to let some of the day's worth of trapped heat out of my 600 square feet of living space.

Still hot, indeed.

Eventually, I downed about a quart of ice tea, put on something that was most certainly not flannel pajamas, and rested on top of all my sheets in the cool, dark. It wasn't actually cool; it's merely that the dark in the room gave over the impression of coolness. I thought cool thoughts. I tried to dwell on what lingering coolness I'd felt from watching Ice Age: The Meltdown and fell into a restless sleep.

I woke again nearly suffocating on the heat at five in the morning and turned on the dreaded air conditioning. The cat looked like he wanted to open his mouth and thank me. Instead, he joined, for the first time all night, on the bed and stretched out.

I stretched my body across the entire bed, letting no body part touch another.

It's hot.

Real World Wednesday

Gratitude List.

1) I am grateful for ice cream on a hot day
2) I am grateful for the thought that if I transfer over to Wordpress, I may not take all of my archives with me
3) I am grateful that my family does not live in Burma...or China
4) I am grateful that my computer is in a nearly-crashed zone but I had backed up my most important info. Still, it feels like a fresh start, which I sorely need right now
5) I am grateful for smiling babies, laughing children and all manner of things when I get to play at being a children's librarian
6) In the same vein, I am grateful for laughing teenagers and the ability to beat them at DDR when I am doing my actual job of being a Young Adult Librarian
7) I am grateful to have a friend for every need
8) I am grateful for what autonomy I have at work
9) I am grateful that my parents returned safely from their vacation
10) I am grateful that summer weather has returned to California (I'll keep saying that one)
11) I am grateful for the realization that I MUST CHILL.
12) I am grateful for the escape I can find in books...and in Keeping Up with the Kardashians in those rare times when I have access to cable.
13) I am grateful for local produce and strawberries the size of my fist
14) I am grateful that we are nearing the end of our photography class, and I will have my Wednesday nights returned to me
15) I am grateful for the desire to learn
16) I am grateful for less time spent with the public in the past few weeks
17) I am grateful for the desire for change
18) I am grateful for fear or common sense, you take your pick, that keeps me from making spontaneous and dangerous decisions
19) I am grateful for a boyfriend willing to try to restore my computer for me
20) I am grateful that after this week, I don't have to work a Saturday for a little while

Swim

I stepped into the shallow end, gradually letting the heated water cover my body. My suit, a speedo, not the least bit provocative, in blue shades of ocean waves, blended in with the dark water.

This time, I swam at night, the first time I've swum at night alone. It's a community pool, open till ten, and that fits with my often hectic schedule.

The first lap was, as always, pure joy. The water flowed over my body, and I felt at home, at peace. Since my first, early days of learning to swim, with my mom's waiting arms outstretched on the other side of the pool, I've been truly myself in the water.

By the third lap, my body had begun to ache in a familiar way. My triceps burned, and I felt relieved. I hadn't hit the pool in over six months, and I had begun to worry that my body would forget what it should know by instinct.

The pain is comforting. My muscles hurt but seemed to be thanking me for waking them.

The pool is small, and in the dark, it's a bit more dangerous to consider flip turns, so I left that treat for another day. But I swam, with my pink goggles squished up on my face. I watched the bottom of the pool as I completed my freestyle laps. I watched the sky and tried to swim in a straight line while using the gawky, awkward backstroke.

The breast stroke is my favorite. I cover ground quickly as I pull my body out of the water, and leapfrog my legs together again. I love the feeling as I shoot my arms forward and glide for a bit under water. I never quite the hang of gliding for as long as I should, but that moment of weightlessness, that one single glistening moment of speeding through the water is worth the effort.

Butterfly. No one ever asked me to swim this in a competition, and the truth is, I'm glad, for I never craved the triangular body of the best of the butterflyers. But I can do it. I can do it if I concentrate on pulling both of my arms up over my head, only to dive neatly back into the water, kicking my legs from my waist. It's a graceful motion, despite the wake of water I leave behind me as I move across the pool. I can do the least amount of this stroke, but that's okay, because my body aches from the effort.

When I finally exit the pool, after two more rounds of the easiest of strokes, freestyle and breast stroke, I can hardly pull myself out. I pride myself on never using the ladder, but as I almost drift back down into the water, I wonder at the sanity of that pride.

The wind has picked up, and I feel it whip around my wet body. I start patting myself dry with the towel I smartly left right beside the pool, instead of six steps away on a chair with my clothes and keys. The wind moves up my body, seeking something it can cling to, for I'm wiping away all of the water it craves.

I pull on a sweatshirt, flannel pajama pants, shakily shove my feet into my flipflops, and slowly walk back to my apartment.

As I feel the wobble in my step, I remember what my high school swim coaches used to say after a race, "If you can walk, you know you had more to give."

I've given my all in this one little workout, and I'm proud.

Because I Said I Would

In answering the questions over at Yummy Sushi Pajamas, I promised to post the same questions on my little ole blog. Answer in the comments :)

1. Are you currently in a serious relationship?
2. What was your dream growing up?
3. What talent do you wish you had?
4. If I were to buy you a drink, what would it be?
5. Favorite vegetable?
6. What was the last book you read?
7. Which zodiac sign are you?
8. Any tattoos and/or piercings? Explain where.
9. What would you say is your worst habit?
10. If you saw me walking down the street would you offer me a ride?
11. What is your favorite sport?
12. Do you have a mostly negative or optimistic attitude?
13. What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me?
14. What’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to you?
15. Tell me one weird fact about you.
16. Do you have any pets?
17. What would you do if I showed up at your house unexpectedly?
18. What was your first impression of me?
19. Do you think clowns are cute or scary?
20. If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be?
21. Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?
22. What color are your eyes?
23. Have you ever been arrested?
24. Bottle or can pop?
25. If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it?
26. What’s your favorite place to hang at?
27. Do you believe in ghosts?
28. What’s your favorite thing to do in your spare time?
29. Do you swear a lot?
30. What’s your biggest pet peeve?
31. In one word, how would you describe yourself?
32. Do you believe/appreciate romance?
33. Do you believe in God?
34. Will you repost this so I can fill it out and do the same for you

Real World Wednesday

An Attitude of Gratitude.

Continuing on last week's promise, Real World Wednesday, in the month of May will be about gratitude.

Each morning, as I stay in my bed, grabbing onto to those last few minutes of peace before I launch into my day, I think of reasons why I'm grateful. For me, this turns into a prayer, and I thank God for all the blessings in my life before I start my day.

Each evening, as I pass happily into a well-earned rest after a (usually) exhausting day, I do the same thing.

I've made more of a point to do this, carving out time for myself, rather than hoping it will be there, and it's made a difference.

For this week, here are twenty reasons to be grateful.

I am grateful:

1) For ecstatic puppy energy when I got to take care of the family dogs while my parents are out of town.
2) For the opportunity to see my friend blossom into motherhood after a bit of a rocky start.
3) For the more and more frequent moments when I truly do love my job.
4) For two days in a row with one of my favorite people in all the land.
5) For traditions that change shape over time but still matter.
6) For fresh fruit! Big ole watermelons! Sweet, juicy strawberries! Runny, sticky oranges!
7) For cold mornings and hot afternoons.
8) The moments when I feel that I really and truly know WG.
9) For the fact that I am no longer afraid that WG will begin to read this blog on a regular basis and be upset by its content.
10) For A feeling of great anticipation at the thought of Daddy opening his birthday present.
11) That I have the luxury time to play video games.
12) That I have the luxury time to read books I want to read.
13) That my parents took the time to teach me the important things about life when I was small, when I was a bit bigger and that they keep on teaching me.
14) That my great-grandparents, grandparents and parents fought through the wars, the poverty and the need for education to set me up on a solid, stable foundation.
15) That the cranky baby stopped crying, even if just for a moment, when I was rocking her back and forth.
16) That the Democratic presidential campaign is almost over, and I can go back to reading other news.
17) For funny, detailed e-mails from my best friend.
18) For the realization that I have no desire to speed up time just to get to certain milestone events in my life. I'm perfectly content taking each and every step of the journey.
19) For swimming weather! Finally!
20) For good moods.

Fashion Fix

Over the course of the next several months, I have four weddings to attend. Lucky for all of us, no attendees at said weddings will overlap.

Wedding 1 is the wedding of a high school friend.

Wedding 2 is the wedding of WG's cousin (yep, another trip for me to the Corral).

Wedding 3 is the wedding of college friends.

Wedding 4 is the wedding of a family friend.

So, I need a dress...or dresses if necessary. The only person who will really suffer from one dress is me...and my wallet...and my photo album.

I have this dress available (that's me on the left in the pretty black dress):


These are the options that I most want to buy:






My budget is $200 or less (preferably much less). I don't want anything with a jersey material. I prefer that the dress not be entirely strapless (it's sad but true that my otherwise perfectly lovely breasts are just not enough to hold up a strapless dress without frequent interference on my part...and said interference sort of taints that "ladylike" image I'm trying to project). Oh, and a good return policy if I'm buying online.

Any suggestions? I need a dress that will pass muster with friends, potential future in-laws, and long-time family friends. Oh, and something that will not simply wilt in the June heat in Oklahoma...or California, for that matter.

Now I Know

I lay awake during those last few precious moments before I had to rush into the workday. WG was sound asleep beside me, and, unbidden, thoughts of how I acted around my crushes when I was in college rose in my mind. I thought about whether or not I was different around WG when we first got together.

With several years of maturity on my side, I had certainly learned how to control my romantic sensibilities by the time I started dating WG. It's also true, however, that WG liked me in return, so I never felt that sense of desperate attraction fill my body (though I certainly had other emotional issues to deal with).

Trying to keep myself from dozing back to sleep (I'd already turned off the alarm), I let thoughts one particular crush fill my mind. I hadn't thought of him in years - my freshman year crush. But, think of him, I did. I thought of how I felt so strongly about him and clasped on to every bit of anything he did that encouraged me to believe he felt the same. By the end of the first semester, I had gotten it into my head that I needed to make a move. So, I invited him to a holiday party at the sorority house. I thought this was my big chance to move from friend to girlfriend.

I didn't live-in at the sorority yet and had dressed in my sparkley (yes, sparkley) teal dress in my dorm and hiked up to the house in my high-heels. By the time I reached the house, my curls had turned to loose waves, and the dress had started to droop just a little.

The Crush arrived soon after I did, and we awkwardly talked. I gave him a tour of the quiet upstairs of the house. Music pumped through the intercom line, and I stood in silence when the song switched to "Kiss Me" by Sixpence None the Richer. Oh, how I wanted him to kiss me in that moment, standing alone on the third floor, far from the crowd of sorority girls and their dates. How afraid I was that he would, that he wouldn't.

He didn't.

Though I think he must have known that I wanted him to just lean over and kiss me, even if just on the cheek.

Ten years later, it finally came to me. Do you know why he didn't kiss me? Because he didn't like me. Two years after reading He's Just Not That Into You, I am finally ready to retroactively apply it. He came to this party, because he was my friend. I stood in front of him in my limp (but still pretty) dress, my hair starting to reject the hairspray and begin its usual fly-away routine, and was not liked by him.

As I turned my attention back to the matter at hand, to pulling myself out of bed and heading to work, I had one last thought, "What must The Crush have thought?" How did he feel standing there with his friend in her withering finery, looking helplessly up at him, asking him for far more than he could ever give?

Ten years later, I can see things from his perspective.

Nothing was the same after that night. No more casual phone calls to go to a movie when class got canceled. No more promise of Giants games. No more walks and talks around Berkeley. For the first time, this morning, I regretted that I'd had such a crush on him and had lost his friendship as a result.

I don't know if we would have spent so much time together if I hadn't had that crush on him, seeing as I craved that closeness, but I do know that we no longer had any time together after I stood silently in the hall, willing him to kiss me.

I gently shook WG and told him I was leaving. He reached up with his arms, pulled me into his embrace, kissed me and said, "I love you." I let the past pass away, told WG I loved him right back and went on to my current life.