It's become increasingly clear that my life is full of little ephiphanies. I'll suddenly realize two months on that I was asking too much of WG and that's why he was acting like I was asking too much of him. Or I'll look at my parents and realize how much they both need and love each other and how it's been amazing for them to rediscover each other since I moved out.
As I've tapered off on my multi-tasking, I've had a few more of those moments. I've realized that I can't say yes to everything, because then nothing gets done well. I've narrowed this down even further lately. I truly love some aspects of my job, but I can't do them well if I take on far too many tasks. If I want to be good at something, I need to give it the respect it deserves. If I want to take pride in offering a lapsit storytime program geared towards teen moms, then I need to start working on the monthly program more than a week before it happens.
Sometimes the aha's occur gradually, and that's what happened today.
WG's mom is coming into town, and I'm excited. She's a fun and interesting woman, and it does me good to see WG with someone who has known him so long and in such a different way than I know him. Most of the weekend will be spent showing her around the area, drinking champagne, and she'll be meeting my parents at dinner on Saturday. WG picked up his mom at the airport this morning, and I have to work until five. I realized that I had a break in my day, and I seriously considered calling and telling him that they could drop by the library, and we could go out for coffee.
And then it hit me.
This trip isn't about me.
The two of them will have me around for the next two days. Perhaps they'd like some mother-son time. Wow. People can have a good time when I'm not around? No! Impossible!
Well, to be honest, I knew that that people could have fun without me around...I just don't want to miss out on the action.
And do you know the catalyst that led me to the full realization?
It was him:
Tosh is an energetic and exciting puppy, and he falls over spread eagle at my feet whenever I come home, just so I can scratch his belly (and I am the only person upon whom he bestows this unique honor). But he also butts in to any attention the other two dogs are getting. He'll literally squeeze himself in between the two older dogs as they get pet. He'll line himself up next to whichever dog settles out in the open on the deck.
Overall, he generally makes a pest of himself, because he doesn't want to waste a single moment not participating in the fun things that are happening in the world.
My interpretation of the monologue in his head is this:
Hey, hey you. What's happening? What's going on? Come outside and pet me! yes! Oh! the door's OPPPPPPEN. You're coming outside. Bounce. Bounce. I'm so happy I have to bounce. Oh, you're petting me. Ooooooh. I'm so happy I have to fall down...and...belly rub! Yes. Wait. You're petting him?! No! pet me! Me! ME!
And you know what? That's not all too far off from my inner monologue when I realize that people are off having fun without me.
So, I didn't call. I backed off and let two people have fun without my fabulous presence (hard though it is for me to believe that anyone in the world can have fun when I'm not around...). And I'll let the puppy be the one who butts into people's business, and I'll go about being a grown up, albeit one who still has a great enthusiasm for having a grand olde time.
Not to worry. I'll let Toshie be Toshie.