Thursday, January 03, 2008

Scared Silly

I woke up yesterday morning nearly paralyzed by fear.

What had I started? I had begun looking seriously for a new job, found at least one that I'm excited about and had started telling people that I was in the market.

I had told people.

I tend to be the type of person who mulls and fumes and sits and stews until coming to a conclusion that often catches those I love off-guard. They tease me about it in a gentle, loving manner (she said with the utmost sarcasm that typed words can convey), and I know that I can do something to change this.

So, before the first application has gone out of my hot little computer, I am officially telling the chosen few, "Hey, I'm looking for a new job, and that might mean I leave California." This means that in six weeks or six months if I pack up and move away, no one will stand there looking stressed and stunned.

Consider yourselves warned.

But telling people also means that I have to actually do something about my quest. I can't just tell people I'm looking for a new job and then sit here and do nothing. Telling people forces me to look, leap, apply.

The states with jobs I like (Tennessee, North Carolina, Pennsylvania, Colorado, Oregon) float around in my head, and yesterday, I woke up thinking, "I know nothing about those places! How can I possibly leave?"

Though I've lived in a city, lived in Boston, lived in L.A., I never really left home for more than a few months. In sum? I've lived in the same town FOR. MY. ENTIRE. LIFE.

Knowing that, does it make more sense why this is all so simultaneously exciting and terrifying?

I work at the library I used as a child.

I work where I volunteered as a teenager.

My parents'and grandparents' former co-workers come in the library and recognize me. It's a small town as you can get in a city of 100,000.

I have to get out of here.

But there are moments when I don't see how I ever will.

I admitted my fears to my mom. She hugged me, with a glisten in her eye, and assured me it would all be alright.

Then I realized, if I wasn't scared, then I would be completely insane. And I'm not that far gone.

There is some comfort in being afraid.

3 comments:

Mommy of two said...

You can do it! Just jump in with both feet!

KennethSF said...

Look straight into Fear's eyes. The beast is more afraid of you.

It'll be an adventure--and it'll give you a chance to miss home.

Diane Mandy said...

Change is always kid of scary. But without it, very few rewards. Don't hold yourself back!