I WANT to write about how pleased I am that I was able to run for 30 minutes without stopping today (2.5 miles!). I want to tell you that I'm well on my way towards my goal of being able to run 3 miles and that I'm hopeful about finding a 5k to run sometime in the next couple of months (one of the birthday goals I set for myself).
I also want to describe that punch in the gut feeling I felt when I heard some of the names announced in the reading of the Mitchell Report (my little Baseball loving heart is breaking. Breaking, I tell you.).
But instead, I'm sitting here with a pain across my stomach as I think angrily about the fact that my employers will never be able to see beyond the fact that I was an over-qualified 23 year old girl when I started. It's been three and a half years. I've earned a master's degree. A year and a half ago, I actually got to become an official librarian. And today, someone who has been with the county for six months was given the chairmanship of a committee that, by senority, should have been mine.
At first, I was relieved. Less work for me! Then, I was confused. I've been doing this job three times longer than her! I'm the senior member on the committee! I'm sure she's qualified, but...but...urgh.
It just makes me realize over again that I won't advance here. I will always be that young, fresh face that needs a little guidance. The woman who got to be chair? She's in her early forties. Even if she has less library experience than I do, she has more years under her belt.
It's not entirely ageism. I can see that. I admit to acting like the child that needs a little mothering, to calling on my supervisors for advice more often than some might, to garnering favoritism in scheduling because I'm "known." I've fallen into a familiar role, and it's hard to break the pattern.
As hard as it will be, at some point in the not too distant future, I think that I will have to fly the nest, get some new experiences with people who haven't known me (or known of me) since I was a 16 year old volunteer and maybe, just maybe, come back here when I'm a bit more polished.