Thursday, December 13, 2007

Ever a Child, Never a Supervisor

I WANT to write about how pleased I am that I was able to run for 30 minutes without stopping today (2.5 miles!). I want to tell you that I'm well on my way towards my goal of being able to run 3 miles and that I'm hopeful about finding a 5k to run sometime in the next couple of months (one of the birthday goals I set for myself).

I also want to describe that punch in the gut feeling I felt when I heard some of the names announced in the reading of the Mitchell Report (my little Baseball loving heart is breaking. Breaking, I tell you.).

But instead, I'm sitting here with a pain across my stomach as I think angrily about the fact that my employers will never be able to see beyond the fact that I was an over-qualified 23 year old girl when I started. It's been three and a half years. I've earned a master's degree. A year and a half ago, I actually got to become an official librarian. And today, someone who has been with the county for six months was given the chairmanship of a committee that, by senority, should have been mine.

At first, I was relieved. Less work for me! Then, I was confused. I've been doing this job three times longer than her! I'm the senior member on the committee! I'm sure she's qualified, but...but...urgh.

It just makes me realize over again that I won't advance here. I will always be that young, fresh face that needs a little guidance. The woman who got to be chair? She's in her early forties. Even if she has less library experience than I do, she has more years under her belt.

It's not entirely ageism. I can see that. I admit to acting like the child that needs a little mothering, to calling on my supervisors for advice more often than some might, to garnering favoritism in scheduling because I'm "known." I've fallen into a familiar role, and it's hard to break the pattern.

As hard as it will be, at some point in the not too distant future, I think that I will have to fly the nest, get some new experiences with people who haven't known me (or known of me) since I was a 16 year old volunteer and maybe, just maybe, come back here when I'm a bit more polished.


nicoleantoinette said...

Running 30 minutes without stopping is amazing! Completing a 5K is one of my goals over the next 8 months too, and I totally get that feeling of pride.

Ugh, the Mitchell Report. Sad day for baseball indeed.

ps- I am coming here to check you out since you were one of brainyjane's other blog crushes! I'm happy that I found you and can't wait to read more of your blog.

Sith Esq. said...

That really sucks Sarah! Maybe this as a blessing in disguise? Maybe God is closing a door in this regard, and opening a window somewhere you haven't thought of yet. That thought goes through my mind on a daily basis!

Diane Mandy said...

I also found you through brainyjane! Maybe finding a new job isn't such a bad idea. You have the experience and degree under your belt to do it. I am now an almost 40-something year old woman who just left a 23-year career (yep that's a llloonngg time), but I remember how hard it was to work my way up the corporate ladder. Find the right company--one where people dont' still see as as the new kid--and continue to work hard You'll get there.

ruby said...

Way to go with the running! WOOHOO!

As for the work...maybe its a good thing, there might be greener pastures elsewhere for you.

one little acorn said...

Yes, a change of job may well be the solution. The running might help. Bear with me here while I explain...
In August I started running for the first time EVER. I wanted to (though somehow saw it as impossible) and was encouraged by a friend who became my 'coach'. In December i ran a 10km 'funrun'. I say this with a sense of pride and I am still amazed I managed it. I reckon if I can do that - well I can do just about anything. And here is my point...
As with you, I have no doubt... get running, believe you are capable of anything, and when you are ready to, make the break from your job and start afresh. Be confident you have more to offer. And whilst a new job is pretty scary you will start with a new team at the level of your skills and you'll never look back!