Wednesday, March 22, 2006

There are days when I just want to pick up and move across the country and start all over. Then I realize two things:

1) I did that already (anybody remember the fiasco that was Boston?)
2) It didn't solve anything

On top of that, when I stop to ponder what a move like that would actually involve, I am paralyzed by inaction.

A move like that would involve not just the practical matters like deciding what furniture to bring and what to sell but the matters of the heart like the wonderful friends I have.

I don't want to start ALL over. I just want some things to be different, and that's what I'm working towards. I guess that's just another big part of growing up (sheesh, is 25 the "growing up" year or something?!).

As I pondered starting over in a new city, I did think about my friendships. I realized that I do have some incredible relationships here, and I don't want to sacrifice those for some untangible thing that I think I would get if I left.

In the thinking, though, I thought about some of the friendships that have fallen by the wayside (none with anyone who reads this blog :Þ), and I decided not to cling to those anymore. It's not an anger thing. No big, "I deserve better!" It's just moving on.

It's also about realizing that maybe I wasn't the best friend I could be to these people. Was I only in the friendships to get something for myself? Well, that certainly wasn't my intention, but thinking about it now, I probably did try to get my own way more times than not. I still care very much about these people and want them to lead good lives and find happiness, but I have to recognize that they moved on a long time ago. I no longer need to force a relationship just to say we've known each other for most of our lives.

Hopefully, I've learned something from the friendships that have faded over time. Hopefully, I'm a better friend now than when I was a mere elf of a girl of 13.

As much as I complain about wanting certain things in my life, I do realize the goodness that exists around me, and I'd rather focus on that then spend time trying to force old relationships back into existence. I'm so grateful for the friendships I do have that have flourished over the years, and I hope that I give just a little bit of goodness back into the lives of the people I care about.

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