Saturday, January 03, 2004

Last night, for whatever reason, I couldn't fall asleep. I think that all of this worrying about the state of my credit and my level of indebtedness has me feeling quite cranky and rather angry at the world.

I decided, most of all, to feel angry at the Hilton sisters. As far as I understand it, they have plenty of expendable cash, yet how do they choose to spend it? On parties and on making videos of themselves having sex. DISGUSTING! They spend more on one purse than I owe the federal government for my student loans. It makes me feel violently ill. To quote the ever-eloquent Irene, "It makes me want to vomit and cry at the same time."

If I had loads of money, after I paid off my debts (because what's the point of doing something good with my money, if I'd still be miserable and loaded down with student loans), this is what I would do:

*Give some money to Alpha and, depending on the pastor, to the church
*Pay off my parents' house
*Buy my dad a new car
*Buy me a new car
*Help my friends establish themselves in the world (whether they wanted actual cash or a job at the foundation...I'd give it to them!)
*Establish a non-profit pro-life foundation granting scholarships to teen mothers who want to finish their education and establishing trust funds for "surprise" babies.

Eventually, I'd get myself a house and some new clothes, but I would first take care of everybody else! I wouldn't just sit on my butt...or climb on a bar and shake it.

Is it is just me? Is this middle-class angst?

I never wanted to be rich when I was younger. I always had enough money for what I needed, and, honestly, my parents took care of the rest. When I was five, if I had ten dollars in the bank, I felt like I was set for life. I want that feeling back...I don't want to owe anyone any money! This is the worst feeling I've ever had inside.

I need a second job. :(

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