Have you ever had that sharp pain in your chest after someone has said something hurtful? or after you realize you want something you probably can't have? I hate that feeling.
It's that feeling of wanting to cry so badly but I can't, because I'm surrounded by people who wouldn't understand why I'm crying. To be perfectly honest, I'm not sure I would understand.
I'm back in the position of liking a guy who really doesn't fit in with the picture I have of my life...mostly b/c he's just, well, not my race. I NEVER thought that I would have that problem...but it does bother me. I have to get over it. I have to get over it. I'm totally cheating myself out of happiness if I let him get away again....
At dinner the other night we had one of those moments that you can get in a big crowd...you know, when you really connect with someone else? I knew him before, we kind of went out, were mostly friends...etc., but I hadn't seen him since graduation. He was at a dinner party for one of our mutual friends (I have more claim..she's my lil sis in my sorority) and wound up sitting across from each other. He was talking about a movie with Sarah Jessica Parker, and no one else knew what it was...I remembered the movie...after that, no one had even heard of the movie. Only the two of us, in this whole long table knew what we were talking about it...it was a dumb little thing, but it was a good thing. After dinner, though, he said something really pissy and stupid...and I felt like crying. That's when I realized that I like him (if something he says can hurt me that much), and the fact that I was so hurt also reminded me how unbelievably tired I was, and so I decided to go home. Now I'm in sort of a weird mood..I think I've found a way be happy, but a) I don't really know how to get myself there and b) I'm not sure I want to go there.
What's wrong with me?? If something good doesn't fit my little picture of the future, I'm willing to sacrifice my happiness? That doesn't seem right.... I'm confused. And lonely.
Let's just hope the GIANTS win tonight!!
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