I feel guilty pursuing my own dreams. That's what I've come to figure. It's actually two-fold, I'm both too lazy and too riddled with guilt (that I put on myself) to go out and get what I want. I want to act. I want to write. I. I. I. I. Sometimes I hear that word so often that it comes to me that I should do something else. So, the next step is: what to do? So, I start thinking about being a counselor, a psychologist, a teacher. Because those things involve giving of myself. Those are noble professions. But do I want to do those things? Does everyone go through this at this age? I have a feeling that they do. At some point, I'm going to have to leave this town and start making a life for myself.
When a boy was breaking up with me last January, he told me that he'd be in the UK in 5 months, and I'd still be in my town. The way he said that just broke my heart. He so clearly looked down on me and my town...even though we both went to the same REALLY GOOD school and were both successful academically. He couldn't get over the fact that (at the time), I lived in a small house with one neighbor's yard (yes yard) full of cars and the other neighbor's house home to a convicted felon. This didn't sit well with the rich boy, and he ran (well, metaphorically). The truth is, though, as offended as I was by the "you'll STILL be in..." part of the comment, I don't want to still be here. I've started my new job, and I work with the natives of this community, something I've never done before, having gone to school out of the area. I don't want to work with these people for the rest of my life, and the possibility frightens me to no end. I can't tell you how scared I am of being stuck here, with no friends, no husband, no life. I've become one of the elite, academically speaking, and I no longer know how to interact with those who aren't in college, didn't go to college and have no plans of going to college. I've returned to the age-old problem of not-fitting in, but this time, I don't want to fit in. I miss my friends.
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