Tuesday, December 04, 2007

At Least I'm Consistent

The sun just slipped its note below my door
And I can't hide beneath my sheets
I've read the words before so now I know
The time has come again for me

And I'm feelin' the same way all over again
Feelin' the same way all over again
Singin' the same lines all over again
No matter how much I pretend

Another day that I can't find my head
My fea=et don't look like they're my own
I'll try and find the floor below to stand
And I hope I reach it once again

And I'm feelin' the same way all over again
Feelin' the same way all over again
Singin' the same lines all over again
No matter how much I pretend

(Norah Jones)

In my continued investigations of a move over to Wordpress, I thought that I might back-up the archives to this blog. See, I've written here, at this very same address, for a bit over five years now. I am giving serious thought to setting up a new blog with maybe only the last year or eighteen months in my archive.

Because, quite frankly, I no longer want to carry the last five years around with me.

As I've been backing up my blog - and by backing up, I mean copying and pasting the posts from the blog into a word document - I've noticed that I have a tendency to complain about two things in particular.

1) My job
2) Boys

Granted, in the past few months, I've gotten better at focusing and have taken on things like Real World Wednesday and have made something of an effort to take the more personal stuff between WG and me out of the blog (and, now that he's found the blog - thanks G, haha - I most certainly don't want to say anything here that I wouldn't want to say to him in person).

But perusing those old postings, it frightened me how easy it is to see the patterns in my behavior. My dating habits followed a cycle that went like this:
a) excitement over a new guy
b) excitement that we might get to date on a regular basis
c) disenchantment
d) the end

My career habits followed the same exact pattern.

a) excuberance about the possibility of a new job
b) elation at getting hired
c) disenchantment
d) begin the job search

I find myself, now, in a new place. My relationship is solid. No complaints. I have a good job (and by good, I mean stable and requires me to use my brain) that often drives me to the brink of insanity.

I have no intention of leaving my job anytime soon. It actually helps to see my pattern. I'm clearly never entirely satisified with a job. Several times a week, I question the sanity of keeping my current job, but looking back over the past couple of years helps me realize that this is all part of my pattern. What would happen if I tried to change the usual way of things by sticking it out with my job? I've already discovered the joys of not running away from a relationship as soon as it starts to get challenging. What would it mean if I got over the image of an ideal job and simply buckled down and did the best I could?

This may be my only chance to reflect like this, because once those four or so years of blog postings are saved safely on a computer somewhere, I don't intend to dwell on them.

I'd like to chart new courses, follow new paths and stop being quite so consistent.

No comments: