Thursday, September 13, 2007

Woman on the Verge

I'm not *really* on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

I just can't quite fathom how I will be able to manage my home life, my work life and everything in between whenever I get married and have children. How do people do it?

Hobbies? I no longer have the energy to cultivate hobbies. I'm trying my darndest to write, but I can't bring myself to do it everyday.

Cleaning? Yes, I do it. I vacuum. I clean the bathroom. The kitchen? I hardly cook during the week, and yet the kitchen always looks like I failed home ec (well, more like I didn't take home ec...why didn't they offer home ec at my high school? It seems right up the alley of a Catholic school, doesn't it?).

Work? Right now, I'm staying afloat, and that's it, and sadly, I think everyone knows it. They know I'm right at the breaking point. Maybe I need more caffeine, but what I really need is more time at my actual desk instead of spending 6 hours out of 8 running around the library telling people how to print. There are too many projects at work, and it's not like T understands (WG is T, by the way...I'm making a transition to his real name which I may or may not ever actually reveal).

Boyfriend? Yes. Check. Got one. But I'm constantly worried that at some point my constant exhaustion and "need" to dramatize everything is just going to make him decide to find one of those mythical women without drama. They don't exist, and I trust that he loves me, but man, there are days when I wish he did more than run tests on wine and grapes all day. He has no concept of what it means to be stressed at work, or to have to come in for a full day of dealing with the public, meeting with co-workers, meeting with community partners...and to have spilled salsa on your shirt right before you left for work so you had to go revise your outfit plans for the day. Sure, he works long hours, and it being harvest, he's working six days a week, but he doesn't know what it means to be stressed at work. It's not like he brings home all of his testing materials and has to run lab tests at home.

Peace of mind? Only as my head hits the pillow, and I am completely oblivious to the fact that I have to get up again in the morning and do it all over again.

1 comment:

Parchemina said...

Oh yes! Amen sister! I have no idea how anyone with children copes at all. Especially not the ones who cook proper food and have tidy houses and hobbies and look good. And work.