Thursday, September 27, 2007

My Mind is Mush

It's a marvel what emotional turmoil can do to my mind.

As is quite obvious from the last several Real World Wednesday entries, my mind isn't exactly on other people. I haven't processed the fact that Irene won't be as easily accessible after this week (this week!), because she's moving on to her big, bright future. I probably haven't even been entirely supportive as she struggles with changes, as I see myself answering some of her concerns with, "Well, in MY life, blah blah blah).

I've started to treat Real World Wednesdays like something to get through, like another task on my to do list, rather than the fairly neat idea that it is (if I do say so myself) -- I'm actually kind of excited about my post for next if only I'll remember to take the time to do a little research before I start typing away.

I've also decided not to post too much more about my relationship. I debated about taking a full-scale blogging hiatus, but I realized it's the T talk that has to go.

The posts are truly beginning to involve someone other than me, as it's quite obvious that T is a real part of my life, and not just a passing anecdote about the single life. Plus, people I know in real life, and who know T in real life, read this blog, and I don't think it's fair to him to air our laundry, dirty or otherwise, for the world to see. I also think that not posting about it will help me not dwell on a single word in an argument or get lost in thought about an unknown future. I'll still deal with things in my way, still "write it out" (to, uhm, borrow Ari Gold's "hug it out" and name it as my own) in my journal, but it's time to let this aspect of my life "go" as a topic of conversation on this blog.

My job. I've been struggling with this a lot over the past several weeks, thinking about a change, investigating educational steps I would need to take, and though I still believe that I won't remain in this job for the entirity of my career, I also believe it's time to buck up and stop complaining. I went to school for this! I lucked into what amounts to a plum job in a fairly well-off library! What's wrong with the whining in this picture? A whole lot!

No, I don't have to treat all customers equal, guilty though I may feel about it. I don't have to engage the creepy, drooling guy into as detailed a conversation as the charming, older lady who likes us to recommend DVDs to her. And that little realization has taken over a year to reach!

I also don't have to try to convince every single teenager in the library that it would be so much more fun for them to come play Dance Dance Revolution than it would be for them to be on MySpace. I can also learn to say no when "offered" new opportunities (otherwise known as more work). I am truly blessed to have a decently paying job, with good benefits, many holidays off and many fulfilling moments throughout the week (not every day has those moments). While I don't feel like I went to Library School to show people how to use the printer, I did go so I could teach people, and I get to do that more often than I realize.

Writing. I love writing. I do feel that it's my calling (or one of them), but I always fight myself to sit down and do it. I'm 60-some-odd double-spaced pages into a collection of short stories that could very well turn into something. Now I just need to concentrate on sitting down and writing. I am determined to have a book published sometime in my lifetime, and after that, I'll set my goal higher. I've gotten close enough to taste it, and I haven't lost the desire. I've lost the wherewithall to carry characters out through a full-length book, but I'm willing to get to know them on a part-time basis. For now, that's enough.

Volunteering. It's been six months since my stint as a Cathecism teacher ended, and I haven't done any official volunteer work since then. I'm willing now to start looking for opportunities and considering becoming a regular volunteer again. I miss it.

Whew. I think that's enough for today, and, strangely, my mind feels much more solid now.


Parchemina said...

I will miss your relationship stories! I completely understand why you don't think it's right to have them out there any more (that's why I have an anonymous blog) but they have been much appreciated by me :)

Sarah said...

Well, Parchemina, I won't abandon the relationship stories all together...just, you know not the ones that are quite as personal! Thank you for saying that you appreciate them!