Today, I feel better. I didn't wake up feeling better right away, but now it's 10 a.m., and I am officially in a good mood.
I have realized several things in the last twelve hours or so.
1) I'm not crazy. I'm a woman in love, and I'm feeling a bit insecure about the relationship. That's a valid feeling.
2) As much as I profess the opposite, I am not good with change, and the next few weeks will be riddled with it. I will feel better when a routine is established and I have some idea of when Wine Guy and I will get to see each other on a regular basis.
3) Y'all probably think I'm nuts for obsessing over this guy like this, and I can see your point!
4) I also know that for me anything past three weeks in a relationship seems fragile and new, like a butterfly just learning to fly. While four months should feel stable, to me it's so brand new that I feel it's about to fall apart at any moment.
5) I realized that I shouldn't be worrying so much about whether Wine Guy will leave me. I should let him worry about whether or not he's good enough for me
I also read a quote that said that trust builds gradually. Calling someone my boyfriend after about a month of dating him doesn't mean I completely trust him. How much can you trust someone after knowing them for a month? Now, I've known him for over four months (nearly five if you count the time we talked before meeting), and I'm realizing how long it takes for trust to build.
I trust that he won't cheat on me. I can see that much. But trusting in an uncertain future is difficult for me, and I'm working out how I actually feel about that.
My friend Milada said, and I quote, "I would have asked homeboy by this point, 'where is this relationship going?' because the suspense of not knowing exactly how he feels would kill me." Maybe she has a point...