Friday, February 13, 2004

I forgot to mention something has occurred to me on the "why I'm boring" front. I'm pretty sane now, after almost a year of something bordering on depression and after the removal of a hormone-driving-crazy-cyst. My emotions have sort of levelled off, but that makes me sort of gray, at least in my estimation.

Also, as far as feeling like my "inner person" (or whatever you want to call it) has been neglected, I have yet another theory. As usual, it relates to that one person in my junior-high existence who seems to blame for everything (can I sue him when he's a drunk but successful attorney for every penny that he's worth? I should...). Being called ugly and a dog so often at such a crucial period in my development, something switched on inside me, and I think I'm semi-obsessed with outer appearance. I am always trying to convince myself that this boy was wrong, that I am pretty...when I start to think that though, I get all Catholic and realize that I'm not supposed to think well of myself. It's all very confusing and leaves me, well, boring and bored.

In striving to finally become the person who fits in (in terms of looks...who no one will single out for ridicule because of, well, I don't really know why he called me ugly, but I wish that he would someday realize how much he damaged my self-image and apologize. I know I'm worth that much), the person who doesn't spontaneously burst into tears, I have sacrificed some of my personality. I'm not on any kind of anti-psychotics but I can definitely relate to their feelings of numbness. In forcing myself to be normal, I've cut off the fluctuations of emotion that make me creative. I want my creativity back without the insanity (or just not so much of the weirdness) that possible?

If it's possible, I'm boring to MYSELF.

If I can't stand to be around me, why would anyone else want to?

I'm going to strive to bring back a bit of me this weekend when I'm baking, so I'm still looking forward to those hours in the kitchen and to the rest of the weekend.

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