As I approach my 23rd birthday (and after a lenghty conversation with my best friend, who JUST turned 23 two days ago), I must reflect on my little existence on this planet.
Every year, I make a special entry in my journal (the "real" journal, not the blog), much like other people might on New Year's Day. I assess the past year and set some new goals. Year after year, the assessment and the goals remain somewhat unchanged. They generally range around this:
Assessment: I tried new things. I still don't have what I want.
Goal: To get what I want.
Obviously, I'm doing something wrong. With such a poor track record, I couldn't convince anyone that I'm a problem-solver. I feel like Rebecca in the Shopaholic series - I'm living under false pretenses. I can't get what I want out of my own life, how can I be expected to help anyone else?
What is it? Is it that I want things but only a certain way? I've read that women over a certain age often don't get married, because their expectations are too high. I'm not sure if my expectations are too high (they vary by day), but I think that my expectations of "how we met" are much too high.
Nowadays, thousands of people meet online, and, in reality, is this any less dangerous, less romantic or less exciting than meeting someone in a bar or in a grocery store. The chances of two people being in the same check-out line are probably as small as those same two people finding each other online.
Here's what I hate about online dating, and why I really don't like it: the blind date aspect. I need to see MANY pictures. This would work better for me, then I know what to expect, I know the face.
Fundamentally, I'm a traditional girl. I'd like to meet someone without the aid of computers, and, eventually, I hope to conceive without the use of test tubes. I will feel like I've failed at love if I need to use a dating service. Until I've completely run out of options, I'm going to live with the waiting and continue to hope that I meet someone in the real world, not the world wide web.
The problem is that I haven't met anyone in whom I had even the slightest interest of dating in over a year(with the possible exception of a WERS anchor in Boston, but I reverted to my high school social skills aka complete silence with that guy). It's not the "dating dead zone." It's worse. I have no crushes. Studies (conducted by me, of course) have shown that I am more productive when I have a crush. I got some of my best grades when I was dating someone. I am better at LIFE when I have a little bit of love, or at least "like" in my life.
So, what comes out of all of this? I don't want to date online. I'm not meeting anyone in the world. I'm still painfully shy when it comes to approaching someone who just might fill that elusive role of boyfriend.
Anyone with suggestions, let me know, please.