"There's something familiar abut despair; it's like a soft old blanket. I know depression; I feel welcome there. To believe that my life may be full of joy, laughter, and understanding fills me with so much fear of disappointment that I would prefer to smoke a cigarette and not believe it at all. I either want everything to be magic and mythic or I want to be dead. But I can't take the everyday living with small disappointments and fragile victories, the grayness of maybe-it'll-work-out and maybe-it-won't. I always feel the end is right around the corner, so why even try?" - Christy Walker - (a character in Ethan Hawke's novel Ash Wednesday).
Not only is Ethan Hawke quite the attractive man (lucky Uma!!), but he's got a brain in there, too. His second book, which I just finished reading in a mad rush to finish the last 100 pages in about an hour - it's just that good - actually makes me feel better about my own life. I've started to get over the fact that in order to feel better, I'll actually have to DO something about it. So, I started DOING something. I put in a letter of resignation at a job that makes me feel worse everyday. I started applying for writing jobs, and I requested a whole bunch of applications for journalism schools. Still wondering why Ethan Hawke's book made me feel better? It made me feel better, because it made me realize (again, for like the 100th time...I'm a little dense, honestly) that a lot of people are dissatisifed with their lives, and a whole lot more people simply feel incapable of attaining happiness. Really, I think that's it for me. I don't know if I CAN be happy, and that's what depresses more than anything else. Also, I know what would make me happy (if I can be happy), and I'm afraid to out and get it - not to mention just a bit clueless as to where to begin. I want a great boyfriend (eventually husband and kids, please, pretty please!!) and a job I love. To me, that's like the homeless guy saying that all he needs is a million dollars, and then he'll be happy. Where does that guy start? Where do I start? That was my thinking about a week ago. After much jabbering on to my mom, best friend and others, I've stopped wallowing and have started doing the research. The next problem, let's hope, will be deciding which school to attend out of the dozens that accept me...nay, that beg for me to attend!!
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