Chapters

On each of the last few days, I've thought about what I should write. I decided while in Seattle that my posts would be more purposeful, more focused. Certainly, that won't always happen, but I wanted to write when I had something to say.

On each of the last few days, I've realized that my life is reaching an important place. Chapters are opening and closing each day, and it's amazing to me how that works.

After about a year and a half, the Bible study with Hayley and Bonnie ended last night. I don't think anyone was expecting it to happen, but that's where the discussion turned. Hayley and Bonnie both have an idea of specific studies they'd like to do next, and I'm going to stick with just trying to finish reading the entire Bible before pursuing a specific, set study. The study has come to an end, but the way our friendship has grown over the past eighteen months is priceless to me. We're going to start a new chapter in the form of monthly get togethers/game nights that will also include the boys.

I woke up this morning feeling mildly heart broken to see these weekly gatherings go away - I've come to value them so much, but I also woke with the realization that I can have Monday evenings to do whatever I like. Of course, I'll still be fitting in my Bible study during the week, but the question of, "How will I possibly get everything done?" has been answered in part by Monday night.

So, that's both a chapter closed and a chapter opened.

On Sunday, Wine Guy and I went into Berkeley to meet up with Irene. Since she couldn't make lunch before shoe shopping, just the two of us ate on our own, happily munching on pan-Asian cuisine at Zao. He has an interview this week (pray for him), and I was throwing sample questions at him, and he was answering them. Later in the evening, we had a little discussion about whether or not he should bring a change of clothes, or go straight to the interview in his work clothes. In sum, he has a freshly washed and ironed dress shirt and some ironed slacks waiting patiently in his car. Guess which side was my argument?

With all of this interview prep and clothing discussion, for the first time, I really felt like I was in a relationship. There was the honeymoon phase, and there was the somewhat awkward in between phase where we knew spent enough time together to argue a bit but were still new enough for those fights to seem mildly ridiculous. I feel solidly in the relationship with him now, and that's an entirely brand new chapter in the relationship and in my life.

And finally, there's Mommy. I went to have lunch, watch Grey's Anatomy (thank you Comcast DVR), do my taxes (ooh, what fun) and otherwise spend time with my mom on my day off yesterday. And it was wonderful. We had one of our classic Mommy/Sarah discussions, and I felt like we were BACK, baby. Our relationship chemistry, our reading of each other's minds, our wonder and awe at each other's thought processes, our apprecation for each other - ALL BACK! It is and will always be slightly different from when I lived at home and didn't have a boyfriend (two distinct but related changes in my recent life), but the anger and awkwardness is gone, and for that, I am oh so grateful. So, that is one chapter with the door slammed on it and other with the door widely opened.

That's a lot of opening and closing doors in just one week.

Life moves quickly, but I'm glad to have the chance to slow down a bit and think about what's happening each day.

A Conversation

Wine Guy: So, what do you do at work?

Me: Well, I plan programs, I help customers...

Wine Guy: Yeah, but what do you do?

Me: Uhm, I come up with the idea for a program, talk to my supervisors, plan the program, promote the program, host the program, evaluate the program, help customers, update the website, buy books, get rid of books, go to schools...what more do you want?

Wine Guy: Yeah, I don't know what that means.

A Seattle Story

Back from Seattle! Four days is sort of a whirlwind amount of time in which to see a major city. Three days in Vegas? Sure, that's just about enough time. But four days in Seattle, with one of them completely booked with conference stuff and one of them really only a half day...well, it takes effort to squeeze in everything.

Wine Guy and I arrived in Seattle LATE on Thursday evening, got the car (a nice Legacy, instead of the Kia we were anticipating) and drove as fast as we could manage to the hotel. I had to get up early on Friday morning to take part in the Emerging Leaders training program, and that meant Wine Guy also had to get up...because I wanted him to drive me, which he did, willingly :). After the day's workshop, we went to a Video Gaming Night hosted by YALSA and had a great time playing around with the Nintendo wii and other various video games, including Guitar Hero.



We did have one sunny day -- I think it was Saturday -- and the picture is proof that the sun does shine in Seattle.






Saturday was more about being touristy, and we headed to Pike Place to check out the shops. The best was Vital Tea Leaf, into which we were beckoned for tasting and to witness the magic that is the opening of a tea flower.












Later on Saturday, we went to the Experience Music Project (perhaps my favorite thing about Seattle) to a party for Wiley Publication. I had managed to score some tickets to this "private" event by doing something I rarely do: asking for what I want. The party was a mix of librarians of a variety of ages, their friends and significant others and some publishing folks. After the food was served, we had the chance to play in the museum for two hours for free! Yay! I love free stuff! I had a blast banging out the electric guitar and playing along to Bob Marley's "Stir it Up" on drums. I also booty bumped to my heart's content in the Hip Hop exhibit. A fun time was had by all. Wine Guy also apparently does have some kind of a clue about what goes on, because upon entering the Hip Hop exhibit he said, and I quote, "This is totally something your dad would like." Ahh, he DOES pay attention!

After the party, we tried for over an hour to find this nifty coffee shop called Victrola that I had heard about on The Amateur Gourmet (another food blog I've found in recent days). We could not find the place. The roads in Seattle twist and turn in funny ways, and I had learned earlier in the weekend to just let Wine Guy find his way on his own, rather than attempting to give direction of any kind (this behavior is familiar to me, as my dad does the same thing...so it's not too irritating...yet).

We found the coffee shop on Sunday, after visiting the Space Needle...and after a bit of irritation as I attempted to get a conversation started, we ended up having what I think was my favorite patch of time in Seattle. We talked about what it might involve for someone to own a coffee shop (no on in particular, just talking), and I talked about my experience at the conference. While I picked up a lot of helpful information, I also came to realize that I don't want to devote my life to my profession. This was a hard fought battle with myself, and it was nice to just have Wine Guy listen to me talk about it, ask appropriate questions and, for once, not just tell me to "calm down."

Monday, we finished up as tourists by eating at Maximilien, a French Cafe in Pike Place, where the waiters have authentic accents, and the views are amazing.
















That finished out the tour of Seattle...

A highlight of various culinary treats:
* The chowder sampler at Duke's Chowder House in the Green Lake neighborhood
* Creamy, creamy chowder at Pike Place Chowder (do you sense a pattern?)
* Delicious coffee at Victrola(I am ruined on coffee now...)
* An amazing, simple, delicious meal at The Palace Kitchen. This place was, according to the Google directions we got via cell phone "forty steps" from the hotel.
* French-type cuisine at Maximilien

Yeah, we were tourists, but it's the food I'll remember most....

Lucky

I get irritated thinking that I constantly have to tell people where I'm going, when I get there, when I'm leaving, why I'm going there, etc. It starts to bother me and make me feel as though I've got a tether around me, keeping me reigned in, chained to whoever wants the information.

And then, when I stop to think about it, I realize how lucky I am to have people in my life who care about these things, who would like to know that I got where I was going alive and well.

I'm not so irritated when I look at it that way.

Considering that I leave tonight for Seattle, it's actually great that I finally figured out how lucky I am (in other words, my mom won't have to be worried out of her skull about my adventures in Seattle).

So, yes, this means that it's a small task to have to check-in with people, a small nod of appreciation for the love that surrounds me.

My Posse

Last night, I went home for dinner (home to my parents' house, that is). I left the house feeling warm and fuzzy after this conversation:

Me: So, the stalker guy talked to me today.

My mom sat up anxiously: I haven't heard THIS story.

My dad: Oh. Really. What did he have to say?

Me: He introduced himself and said that he's the weird guy who's been leaving me gifts.

My dad: huh.

Me: He said that he's not good at talking to people.

My mom: Yeah, no kidding.

Me: I told him that the gifts had made me uncomfortable and that maybe he would make better decisions in the future...but, he also said that he hadn't wanted to talk to me, because he figured there was someone who would beat him up.

My dad got visibly larger at this point. It's like he's a super-hero or something.

Me: So, I just nodded at him. And he said, "You do?" And I nodded again.

My mom just started laughing and laughing, "Well, you've got at least two!" She gestured towards my dad and Wine Guy.

Me: Yeah, I figure I've got more. George has offered to bust a knee cap or two.

My mom: And I'm sure I could take someone.

My dad: And that's assuming he gets through everyone at the library first.

Me: Yeah, I feel pretty well protected.

Now, no one is going to beat up the stalker, but it is nice to realize what a fine posse I have.

A Calling

Thank you to those who have been de-lurking to leave comments! It's also helping me find new blogs to read!

My calling is not to be a baker. I'm having a marvelous time experimenting with sourdough and making other breads - heck, I even made bagels on Monday! But I'm not a baker.

It seems that my calling is the one I have fought against my entire life: to be a teacher.

Now, I'm still a librarian, and I fully intend to stay one for the forseeable future, but even as a librarian, I'm a teacher.

Today, I spent five class periods teaching 7th graders how to do library research. In four of the classes, I knew at least one kid, either from those kids coming to the library or from the CCD class I teach. While I am tired, I think that's mostly from standing up for so many hours in a row (seriously, how do people in retail survive standing all day?). Instead of being emotionally exhausted, I'm someone exhilirated and hopeful that this is something I could handle as a career.

I could teach.

I can teach.

Perhaps I will teach.

Perhaps it's my calling.

Being Comforted by the Strangest Things

So.

As of today, Wine Guy and I have been together for three months. That's a long time for me!

In that short time period, we've been through a lot. In the past two weeks, we've had two pretty serious "discussions" (some might call them arguments) and survived them. In the most recent, he actually thought about what I was saying and then said, "I'm sorry." Plain and simple. "I'm sorry."

A quick rundown on what I have learned so far:
* That maintaining my sanity, my identity and my personal life while in a new relationship is HARD

* That my family and friends have a limited amount of patience, and it was vital that I get back to paying attention to them, as well as to the other pieces of my life

* That telling him how I feel is much, much better than "stewing" and watching it all seep out eventually

* That I actually like Star Wars

* That wine makes a nice compliment to a meal

* That it is entirely possible to love someone, not tell him, and not feel angry that he hasn't said it to me yet

And, finally,

* That the oddest things bring me comfort:

In Z Gallerie last night, we found Table Top Conversation Starters.

Before purchasing the game, Wine Guy looked at the sample cards. The first question asked whether, if you reached an advanced age, you would rather have a fit body or a fit mind.

I said fit mind. He said fit body.

We talked a little bit about that. I realized that I would really rather have what my French great-grandmother had and be 93, sharp as a tack and still putting on makeup, pearls and dress shoes to go to the bakery each morning.

Still, he said, "Well, then you can do your crossword puzzles, or whatever, and I'll be perfectly content, running around."

"Thinking you're seven?"

"Or even younger. I'll be happy. I won't have to deal with it. You will."

And, the weight in my chest, the fear that he was going to abandon me because of my craziness, just vanished.

Now, I have a vision of us in our 80's, and I realize that he does think we'll be together in the long-run, even if he hasn't said those three little words.

See, the oddest moments can bring me comfort.

And today, three months into this relationship, I am one happy little kitten.

De-Lurk, Yee Lurkers

Apparently, it's national de-lurking week... That means, if you read this blog regularly but don't regularly comment, please drop me a little line. Let me know where you're from...and, I don't know, reassure me that it is possible to calm the hell down. Thanks :).

Between Waking and Crazy

Yesterday was a wonderful day. I did what I was hired to do at my job - and did it well. I accomplished things in my personal life (namely, trying to figure out what exactly it is I need/want to do when Wine Guy and I venture to Seattle next week) and went home to find that the steak I had suggested we make for dinner was actually going to be New York Steak - can you say, "Yum!" I put the sourdough baguettes in the oven. It is my firm belief that they had risen beautifully, but, because of timing issues (darn the fact that I have to be at work 8 hours a day) had fallen again. So, the bread was a bit flat, lacked the nice bubbly crust (that will be rectified with a spray bottle of water for the next batch) but, overall, tasted like it was supposed to taste. A beautiful, wonderful, day.

Today is also going well. I've figured out the benefits of getting up before 10 a.m. on the days I don't have to be at work until noon (I worked out! Ah, joy of joys!), and I'm excited about meeting my parents for dinner at a Mexican restaurant downtown in a couple of hours.

And then...there's that one customer who kind of freaks me out.

She frequently sits down at the reference desk and spews forth a plethora of words that, in and of themselves, make perfect sense, but when constructed into sentences are just a mishmash of confusing paranoia.

What worries me, though, is that I sound just like her when I'm at the point right between being awake and falling asleep. I experience that same rush of thoughts that doesn't make any sense. Is she permanently stuck between being awake and falling asleep?

A sample of our conversation:

She said, "I was walking behind the apartment building next to Alan Witt Park - you know the one I mean - and I saw a pile of DMV paperwork, and I picked it up." She shows me a plastic bag full of trash, no paperwork in sight. "I wanted to drop it off at the church, but I didn't want to do that without permission, so that they wouldn't be liable. I just don't know what to do?"

She continued on, talking about how the color of one of the books at the reference desk is the color of the moving trucks from a particular company and maybe, just maybe, the library and this moving company have a partnership.

In the end, she decided to put the bag of trash, er, DMV paperwork, in the City Hall trash can. She thanked me and went on her way.

Then she came back, "Which table has the California Tax Forms?"

I pointed out the table, and she went to see what she could find.

I want to laugh. I want to cry. I want to stay awake as much as possible.

On Not Being Lopsided

Over the past couple of weeks I've tried out a wide variety of new recipes. I have also confounded Wine Guy by insisting on taking pictures of everything before we eat it...oh well, I finally have a camera I love (perhaps I'm a bit TOO in love with the macro feature).

On New Year's Eve, we made Sushi! While the sushi rolled much better than the last time, it's still the ingredients that made for better pictures. The scrumptious avacado, the sashimi grade salmon...mmmmm. I was one happy camper.


One of Wine Guy's gifts to me was a pizza stone. Of course, he actually bought it so that we could use it right away and make pizza. I tend to hold on to my presents a while before using them, but less than a week after opening the stone, I had used it three times, including once to make actual homemade pizza. Smitten Kitchen provided the dough recipe. Wine Guy and I thought up the ingredients. The conversation went like this:

Him: I want to put chicken...and....
Me: Feta?
Him: Yes! And...sun dried tomatoes. And something else? But what?
Me: Bacon?
Him: Oh. Wow! That was just what I was thinking. How did you know that?

And, so, because I am a mindreader, we had a perfectly delicious pizza that also included some onions, mozzarella and a tomato paste sauce recommended by Mommy!

The pizza stone worked wonders, and the crust was juuuuuuust perfect.


Since I am now apparently in a bread making frenzy, I decided to try out the No Knead Bread also on Smitten Kitchen (can you tell that this is one of my favorite recipe sources?). The bread dough is messy and quite disgusting, leaving Wine Guy to look pessimistic until I said, "It's from the same site as the pizza dough!"


The crust was lovely and golden brown, the inside was soft and moist. We had some of the bread with some spinach and ricotta ravioli from Genova Delicatessen and Ravioli Factory in Napa. And yesterday, it was my turn to bring the appetizer for Bible Study with Hayley and Bonnie, so I cut the bread up into little bits, and we had that with olive oil & balsamic vinegar and my homemade pesto (minus the parsley).

.
At the end of my evening of bread baking, looking fondly at the golden brown crust, I said, "I like it when recipes turn out exactly as they should."

He said, "I do, too, but for different reasons..." and he looked meaningfuly into my eyes.

"You mean because I go all mopey and lopsided when they don't?"

"Pretty much, yeah."

And now...I have two sourdough baguettes rising on my kitchen counter. Between the starter, the secondary starter and rise time, I've been making this bread for a week...here's hoping it turns out and I can refrain from going all lopsided, because nobody wants to see that!

A Forgotten Promise to Myself

Cooing babies. Sticky fingers. Adorable smiles. Sentences that only vaguely resemble anything from the English language. That intoxicating smell of the top of a baby's head. My best friend telling me for the last four years to have a baby so she can buy him or her presents, my mom most certainly being ready for a grandchild to spoil, my friend Sean saying to me last week, "Well, yes, you'll have a young family."

It's all got me thinking.

I've said before that I want to be a mother. I don't think it's any big secret that I have a major maternal streak in me, but it's been in the last month or so that I've begun to realize what having children will actually MEAN.

I'm out of the rush of grad school, the haze of no sleep that was the past couple of months, and I'm also out of daydreaming about having a relationship and am actually in one. I want to be with Wine Guy, that much I know.

I also know that Wine Guy is not going to be ready to get married and have kids for a while yet.

I have a good gut instinct.

I'll admit to being worried at first. I've got this ever-changing notion of what marriage and parenthood will be like, but the notion doesn't really leave my head. What does his not being ready mean for me?

Luckily, though, in all of this thinking, I have recently remembered a promise I made to myself in high school: that I would learn how to be a woman and a wife before I became a mother.

I really understand that there are steps in the process, and that my future husband, my future children and I will all benefit from me taking time now to develop as a human being.

Certainly, there are some selfish motivations. I want to travel the world. I want to live in different places. I want to work different jobs, live different lives.

But I also want to have a solid relationship with my husband as a man before he comes a father.

It's hard to admit to not being ready for the thing I want most, but it's also something of a relief to admit that I'm willing to wait for it.

A Sleepless Haze

I figured it out! I've been blaming a new relationship, a move, a fairly new job, the holidays and more for my feeling of disconnect from my own life. What all of those things have in common, though, is the affect on the amount of sleep I get, which amounts to not a whole lot since October.

But I've actually gotten 7-8 hours of sleep a night for the past couple of weeks, and LET ME TELL YOU, it makes a HUGE difference.

- I am able to figure out that it is a good idea to call my mother.
- I can see for myself that making a pizza for dinner is a good idea but that making two or three or four would be setting myself up for disaster.
- I really enjoy the time with Wine Guy a whole lot more when I'm not falling asleep, or fighting sleep. I want to be with him as much as possible, but, honestly, what good is it if I'm not going to remember it in the morning, anyway.
- I do accomplish more at my job when my brain isn't fuzzy, foggy and fighting to retain a hold on being awake. It's amazing what I've accomplished at work in the past two weeks.

So, yeah. Sleep. That's the fountain of youth and the source of all knowledge.

Who knew?

So, How Does This Work Exactly?

Lately, all of my posts about Wine Guy have been "oh, he's so great!" or "Gosh, I miss him."

Well, he's back, and I'm still amazed at how glad I am to see him, even now that he's been back almost as long as he was gone. But, I'm also realizing something about myself that needs fast attention.

He has mentioned that I don't ask him a lot of questions, and this does bother him. It makes him think that I'm not interested in him. Quite the opposite, really. I worry that once I get started asking questions, I won't stop. My answer to his most recent complaint, though, was that I start to ask a question, then realize I already know the answer.

I've also come to the realization that I don't want to seem to pester him with a constant barrage of questions, as would be my natural tendency. I want to know what exactly he did during the day, who he talked to, what he saw, what is going on in his head. I want to know where he's looking for work, where he's applied, what apartments he's seen. I realize as I write this that I have every right to ask the questions and that I probably can do it without seeming like a pest.

I'm still scared about running him off if I don't act right, and that's a behavioral tendency borne of too many two-week-long "relationships" that ended on one person's whim (the guy's or mine). I am comfortable being in a real relationship, but I also have to get used to it being okay for me to be a girlfriend.

So, starting today, I'm going to make more of an effort to go beyond my insecurities and really become involved in Wine Guy's life.

What Just Happened?

2006 was quite the year for me...a lot of good, a lot of craziness, a lot of weirdness, and now I just want to add it all up and take a look at what happened.

Significant events of 2006 (in chronological order)

*Ringing in the New Year London, England in with Mommy and Daddy

*The madness that was the culminating experience

*Attending my graduation ceremony
and officially adding the MLIS to my professional signature

*Hosting a house full of people to celebrate my graduation (and dealing with the madness surrounding "Sort of Cute Guy")

*The insanity that was the three days in between the interview and the offer

*Starting my new job, crazy new schedule and entire new life

*Actively starting to date for the first time since the "Big Red" debaucle of 2005

*Moving Out

*Officially becoming Wine Guy's girlfriend

*Hosting a party at my very own apartment

*Trying to maintain even a fraction of a hold on my sanity while facing the first holiday season holiday season when I didn't live at home

That was 2006.

Now, in 2007, I'm going to learn how to maintain (or regain) a hold on my personality, values and relationships with family and friends while having all of the following:
* A job with a hectic, demanding schedule
* An apartment
* A boyfriend

And finally, a big, huge, walloping THANK YOU to everyone who loved me, helped me, encouraged me and put up with me in 2006. It was a good year, but I wasn't always on my best behavior, so THANK YOU for still loving me, despite all of my shortcomings.

Resolution

Of course I have to have a resolution.

And here it is.

In 2007, I will calm down.

Or, rather, to quote myself when I came up with the resolution, I will, "calm the hell down."

So far, three days into the new year, this seems to be working. Repeating the mantra over and over has drastically improved my life, my state of well being and my relationships - already! I can do only so much, and I am only responsible for my own behavior. I can't change other people. I can change myself.

I can calm down!

Wine Guy already does a lot to calm me down, and I can see that a calm, cool, collected version of my functions much, much better in the world.

What have I done so far?

*I returned a book on CD unlistened to and several DVDs unwatched to the library, because I realized I had bitten off more than I could chew and would never possibly have time to enjoy them.

*I did not get riled up when the focaccia I was making last night turned into mush. Actually, I've worked with mushy bread dough before, and that wasn't the problem - it was cooking it in front of Wine Guy. What he makes generally follows a predictable order...So, I did not get nervous and flustered that he was seeing what I was making not turn out perfectly (and it did turn out to be quite tasty, thank you very much).

*I have told myself repeatedly to just take a breath and not let things get to me.

*I continue to listen to the Society of Women in Relationships and am grateful for what I have with Wine Guy

Calming the hell down also means keeping the lines of communication with myself open and active!

Happy New Year! 2007 looks good so far!