Sushi Rolls that Won't

If I actually broke down, step by step, what went wrong last night, I think I might cry.

Okay, don't worry, we haven't broken up! Nothing close! But I can tell you that I didn't get to ask everything I wanted to last night. And what I was afraid would happen DID happen, and I started spurting out little bits of irritation and anger that had nothing to do with why I was ACTUALLY upset.

He kept trying to find out what was wrong, and I kept telling him what was wrong in that instant, in why I was upset, as in:

"The sushi roll won't roll!"

and, "The teenagers at work today made me realize how much I don't want to stay in this town my whole life."

Of course, the teenagers comment is really, "I don't want to stay in this town my whole life, working with these teenagers, alone, while you go to Texas or wherever without me."

But in the end, the sushi rolled, even if my concerns didn't quite roll off my tongue.


And tonight, there will be no sushi to make me want to cry when I talk to him. No distractions, just conversation. That's the plan.

Shut Down

So, Wine Guy is sick.

He claims I got him sick, but I'm basically over whatever I had, and I think he's got it worse...or just something different, anyway.

I wasn't supposed to see him until tonight, but I asked him if he wanted me to come over late yesterday and bring him some soup.

He readily agreed but was shocked when I showed up with soup.

"You brought me SOUP?! You brought me POTATO SOUP?! You are FANTASTIC!" He said.

I was happy.

But he seemed kind of mopey, so me being me, I said, "Are you glad I came over?"

He just stared at me, "I don't even know what to say to that," and he reached over and gave me a big hug, "Of course, I'm happy you came over."

But then, we got started chatting, not really talking, about what's going to happen with his job in the next few weeks.

"There's a really good job in Texas." He paused, looked up at me. "What would you do if I got a job in Texas?"

I had no idea how to answer that question, and before I could, he said, "But I won't get a job in Texas."

But the mini-conversation got me thinking and for most of the rest of the evening, I was probably a little stand-offish. It takes a few hours, days, weeks, for me to completely mull over something and formulate appropriate questions, the questions that really ask what I want them to. And with Wine Guy, I'm being especially careful not to ask off-the-cuff questions that come out sounding jealous and rude, rather than concerned and curious.

So, now, I am full of questions. I think that if we go through another night without me asking those questions, bad things will happen. Mainly what will happen is that I will start to shut down emotionally, because I'm trying so hard to avoid saying certain things, and we will have a terrible, rotten, no good night of sushi making, complete with me giving one word answers and resisting his kisses.

Asking Questions

In my still new relationship with Wine Guy, I have made it a point not to ask questions I don't really want answered.

Questions like, "So, what's up with the end of your internship? Have you been applying for jobs? What can I do to help?"

and

"Have you ever told a girlfriend that you love her?"

But those are the questions on my mind, questions that I REALLY want answered.

A big part of me doesn't feel the need to ask any questions, because, in my heart, I've already decided that I want to be with him...so what more do I need to know? But my mind, oh, that tricky mind, has lots of questions that require an answer.

My last relationship ended for many reasons, but the biggest one was MY lack of communication. Sure, I ended the relationship after being rather irritated for weeks, but I never communicated that irritation, so the breakup took my ex completely by surprise (or so I think).

I can't be afraid to talk to my boyfriend, even if I might not like the answers.

But the love one....

I'll leave that one to him to bring up.

Rainy, Cozy and All that Good Stuff

It is quite possible that the last five days signify some of the best of my entire life.

Entirely possible.

Or, maybe the last two months.

Who knows?

All I know is that I'm happy.

Thanksgiving was a marvel. We had a peaceful (fancy that!!) dinner at my parents' house. Guests included Wine Guy and my friend Lea. Later in the evening Julie and her husband, John, came over for dessert. We munched on yummy treats, played Trivial Pursuit and had a grand old time.

At midnight, I found myself keeping Wine Guy warm while we waited in line to get into the Gap - at 2:30 a.m., we were in line waiting to pay. I've never been in a Gap at 2:30 in the morning before, and it was quite a surreal experience.

My birthday festivities officially kicked off with an unexpected trip into the city on Friday. Wine Guy and I made excellent time, getting to Irene's hotel in only forty minutes. Once we had collected Miss Irene, we headed to Alioto's, where we dined on the finest seafood sausage San Francisco has to offer and had dessert at Ghiradeli's (mmm "decadent drinking chocolate," one of my new favorite phrases).

My actual birthday was warm, quiet and fabulous. I got to do everything I wanted, including:
1) Replacing Mama's lost jade bracelet
2) Having a quiet "presents" time with Mama and Daddy
3) Going to Mass
4) Eating Turkey Tetrazini
5) Getting to see Wine Guy

And on Sunday, I woke at 6:45 a.m. and went with Wine Guy to Napa, so that after he got off work, we could explore "his side of the mountain." I spent most of the quiet, rainy Sunday, under blankets, reading books for work, organizing my digital photos and otherwise being incredibly productive. I also got up off the couch to go stare out the front window at the amazing view - the vines coupled with the rolling fog was pretty much irresistable. And when he finally got off work at 2:30, we could go on about our business, and he made certain that I was done being productive for the day.

So, in sum. The Thanksgiving Holiday and my birthday were cozy, warm, fuzzy indoor days that made me quite content and happy.

The Annual Mope

So, tomorrow is my birthday, and in the past few years, that has meant that I get to mope.

But this year.

This year is different.

So, tonight, fresh from the memories of the best Thanksgiving ever, I'm heading into San Francisco with Irene and Wine Guy.

No moping for me, and that's a blessing.

The Troublesome Trio

Friday, as you may know, Wine Guy and I went to Berkeley. While there, we dropped in for a quick chat with Irene, and thus begins our adventure.

If I remember correctly, Irene said, "When are we going to do something again?"

I looked up at Wine Guy, in a rather girlfriend-y way, and he said, "Sunday?"

I said, "Sure, Sunday."

Irene said, "Hiking in Tilden?"

And it was agreed that our next meeting would involve hiking of some sort.

Now, the last time I was in Tilden Park, I saw this:

So, I knew that we'd be in for an exciting time. That's right, take a closer look. It is, in fact, a six inch long slug. YECCCHHHH.

Sunday arrived, and so did Wine Guy, and we went on our way in his little sports car to fetch Irene from her lovely apartment.

We arrived about forty-five minutes ahead of schedule, and Irene was just returning from a workout (a workout just before a hike...I don't know if that says more about her dedication to exercise or about the way we hike).

After Irene had a chance to have a bit of a snack, we three piled into Wine Guy's car and were on our way.

We parked in a lot with few other cars.

Wine Guy: Why are we parking here? Why is no one else parking here?
Me: We're fine. They're just dumb and don't know where to park.
Wine Guy: Have you ever been towed?
Me: Yes, but it wasn't my fault.
Wine Guy: This doesn't bode well.

After a pit stop in a dark, dank bathroom, we were on our way! We hiked up the Wildcat Gorge trail (or something like that...I'm unclear on why something would be called a "gorge"), noted the "Horses take other trail" sign and promptly encountered two women on horses (well, one of them was so small, it might have been a pony...the horse, not the woman).

We toughed it out through a muddy trail, and Wine Guy barely concealed his disappointment that although the signs warn of the dangers of interacting with the trout, there were, in fact, no trout with which to interfere.

Eventually, we stopped for a snack. And, of course, picture taking ensued.


(please note that I am truly beginning to hate my camera in all of its blurry glory. I love Nikon, but I also know how to take a decent picture, and this, my friends, is not a decent picture, and I blame the camera - a coolpix L2)

After the pictures, we continued our walk and eventually found ourselves at a man-made lake. We discussed the cleanliness of the water and watched a dog named Marley lose all interest in the giant stick thrown by her owner and, instead, retrieve a tackle box from the murky lake.

We decided NOT to take the same way back, just for the sake of variety, and walked along a blackberry bush lined path that bordered the road.

Pondering the eucalyptus trees, Wine Guy said, "Does anyone know where we are?"

Irene and I, in typical Irene & Sarah fashion, agreed that while we didn't know where were were, we were confident we were heading in the right direction.

We soon found ourselves in the parking lot next to a carousel decorated with Christmas tree lights. And I remembered the map in my pocket.

"You could have mentioned that earlier," said Wine Guy.

"I told you at Irene's place that I had a map."

We found the carousel, which did, in fact, belong in the park, and saw that we were heading the right direction.

Two more map checks by me, a Eucalyptus leaf down Wine Guy's sweatshirt and more-advice than you could handle handed to Irene, and we had arrived safely at the untowed car.

See, Irene and I know what we're doing.

Our hunger and mild exhaustion was quickly cured by the yummy Indian food from House of Curry (excellent idea, Irene).

But, "What's next?" passed through Wine Guy's lips.

Irene and I looked at each other. I think we knew that the real adventure had just begun.

"North Beach." I said. "Tiramisu."

After realizing that it was only 6 p.m., not the 8:30 we thought it was, we once again piled into the sports car. This time we headed for the city. Did I mention this was the first time Wine Guy had driven in the city?

Irene and I guided Wine Guy to North Beach. Upon arrival, after thirty minutes circling the block for parking, he said, "The next time YOU want to do something spontaneous, I'm going to get directions."

I looked at him with pity, "This is what happens when Irene and Sarah navigate. We know what we're doing."

He just looked at me, not understanding that, "Hey, turn there, no, oops, should have been the last one, oh, there it is, head towards Coit Tower," is a perfectly reasonable set of directions, right Irene?

Of course, the place I wanted to get the tiramisu from was closed for the evening...but we eventually found an open cafe, ordered our rich desserts and relaxed on a cold San Francisco night.

Irene and I, of course, had a fabulous time, because we always do, but it was nice to hear Wine Guy say, as he sipped his espresso, "This was worth the trip to San Francisco."

Sunday night, Wine Guy asked me for Irene's number. They are apparently planning my birthday party. Irene tells me not to worry, to trust her. So, I will. I love her and trust her. See that, Irene? In print, online, I trust you. Besides, whatever happens, it will be an adventure.

Missing You

Wow. So, THAT'S missing a boyfriend. I had no idea...I mean, I've had that ache in my chest when a relationship fails to get started, when a crush crushes me, or when I otherwise have to get over someone. But I've never been away from an actual boyfriend for an extended period if time. I am clearly not cut out for long-distance relationships. Well, there's that and the fact that neither of us is particularly good on the phone. We're both mildly deaf, especially when talking on the phone, and our conversations involved overuse of the word, "WHAT?!"

But now I'm back, and I can say, Oh, so that's spending a whole day with a boyfriend. Since we got back into town on Thursday instead of Saturday, I get to actually see Wine Guy for all day on Friday. We spent our day off exploring Berkeley (I think I impressed him with a local game store and Amoeba Records...it's great fun impressing boys). He was seeing Berkeley for the first time EVER, and this time when I visited the Campanile, I had my camera. YAY!

We saw each other in daylight, instead of in an evening after work, and neither of us melted into a puddle of goo. So, that clears up the whole, "are you a vampire" conversation. Good deal.

Coming Soon: The Adventures of Irene, Sarah and Wine Guy

Early Return

10:35 p.m. last night

My mom: I wonder how hard it would be to change our flight. I'm about done.

Me: We can find out.

My dad: Whatever.

So, we call the airline people and get the details.

Then we mull over the cost and realize it's a wash when compared to the money we'd spend on the car rental and food for two more days.

Then, just for kicks, I text Wine Guy:

What would you say if I came home early, like on Thursday or Friday?

Wine Guy texts back: That would be wickedly sweet.

After all, our phone conversations had involved an awful lot of this: You need to come home. I know. Yeah, but you need to come home.

So, we're going home, and everybody is much, much happier.

p.s. I just found that a blog entry I submitted to LTR is posted! Look for "A Dating Story: Boxed In" - though the name has been changed, the story ought to be awfully familiar to most of you!

On the Inside

Okay, so I am just about the happiest a Librarian could possibly be. I am INSIDE the Library of Congress Main Reading Room, typing my little blog posting. Incredible.

It was in this room three years ago (three years and one month) that I first got an inkling to become a Librarian.

I was here with Irene, and we were mistaken for librarians. I was on a high for WEEKS after that, and that little moment, from a misguided library patron, changed my whole life!

Now, I'm an actual Librarian (I don't know if it's supposed to be capitalized, so consider that a flourish), sitting in the Library of Congress, typing away on a computer. Of course, I'm still just a visitor, but now I can say, "Yes, I am a Librarian, how can I help you?" Should anyone ask, of course!

Oh, this glorious building, full of knowledge, books and the proper respect for both!

Live from D.C.

I mentioned last post that I'm on vacation.

For the third time in four years, I'm in Washington, D.C. Technically, we're in Virginia at the moment, but my family actually made this trip in order to see a lot of the National Monuments that we haven't managed to see in my 25 years of life.

I haven't quite settled into D.C. just yet...we've been here three days, and I am having two problems:
1) I can't quite shake the exhaustion that comes from staying away for over 24 hours in order to take the red eye
2) I continue to be confused about the fact that I am in Virginia and not ENGLAND. The multitude of highways and freeways, coupled with the oddly named grocery stores (Ukrups??) and department stores (Belks?), has left me awfully confused. I'm told I'm still in the United States, but I don't entirely buy it.

And that brings me to my next point.

I'm from California. It seems that people in California
A) Do not understand geography that goes beyond Oregon, Washington and parts of Nevada. The rest of the country is generally a big mush pile. I'm getting better....but really...
B) Do not have lengthy attention spans. Case in point: Two hours spent listening to a cocky time share salesman trying to sell my family a new timeshare and trying to convince us that we'll need two days to tour Colonial Williamsburg. It's a one mile area. We did the Louvre in four hours; we are not patient people. Maybe it's not the California...maybe it's just my family.

So, that's what I've learned so far in D.C. We're impatient, and we're not big on geography. Like I didn't know that already.

Tell Me Again

These are the remains of the candles Wine Guy used to decorate my apartment...

So, here's the story.

I had to work until 9 on Wednesday, and we both knew that since I'd be heading off for vacation on Thursday, we wouldn't be seeing each other for a while...for too long!

WG game to my work to pick up the keys to my place. The conversation with the person on duty at the greeter desk went something like this:

I'm here to see Sarah.

She's in a meeting.

Okay, but can I go see her?

I think she's unavailable.

Alright...

Yeah, I don't think she can be interrupted.

I'm supposed to pick up keys.

Oh. She's in the meeting room.

All of this happened before I turned around to see him walking into the meeting room with a smile on his face.

He got the keys and left quickly.

I got home around 9:30. He opened the door dressed in a nice shirt and cords, and I saw a beautiful site. He'd lit candles and set them on the coffee table, the counter top, near the tv, on basically every open space. The table was set, the food was ready. I'm still not entirely sure what I did to deserve this...but it was absolutely wonderful.

And that same night, we had another random, unplanned "Define the Relationship" moment, and we are "official." I'm his girlfriend. He's my boyfriend.

And now, I'm on vacation, and I miss my boyfriend!

DTR

Define the Relationship.

In the course of one evening, Wine Guy said that we are "dating" and in a "deeply committed relationship." I don't know what either of those mean, but in my quest to not ask questions I don't want the answers to, I didn't get clarification. I need clarification, though. So, I'm stewing and thinking and stewing and thinking. Wish him luck tonight, folks, because it's never a good thing when I think and stew over something for an entire day.

There's always a song for the moment and a song for the guy, and right now, this is the song for Wine Guy and me:

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

(from Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol)

For the first time, I don't want a lot of input from others on how to proceed. I might ask, "What do I do?!," but I don't necessarily want an answer. I do want to talk about Wine Guy and the advancing state of our relationship, but I need to handle this in my own way. Maybe I just think this one is more important than in the past, and I can't experiment with other people's advice.

So, please be patient with me. I'm in a coupling/nesting/foggy/honeymoon/building a relationship phase, and this boat only has room for two people.

Now, if I only knew exactly who those two people are for each other.

In My Life

How do I let Wine Guy into my life?

In the course of a conversation last night, he said, "Sarah, let me into your life!"

Okay, now that requires context.

I was telling him that Sean had called. Sean my best guy friend. Sean had apparently not come up in conversation earlier. Wine Guy was apparently confused by the introduction of Sean into conversation.

He wanted to know how I classified "best friend."

I tried to explain. Then just said, "It's complicated!"

and he said, "Sarah! Let me into your life!"

How does one go about doing that?

First, I think I'll require the official announcement of boyfriend-girlfriend. If we're not official, if I don't know one-hundred percent, with a brick over my head, that we're exclusive, I can't let him that deep into my life. I can't trust him with my hopes, my fears and weaknesses if I think that he's going to cut and run. I have a lot of hopes, fears and weaknesses. He might get freaked out.

I want to know everything there is to know about him, but I don't anticipate running (there's a shocker. no. seriously.).

What if he runs? I think I'd break.

I think every little piece of me would just crumble away. Or worse. Harden and stand like stone against any guy getting in ever again.

How do you trust someone when every other guy you've started to trust hasn't proven trustworthy in the end? How? There's a question that I can't find the anwer to...do you know?

Falling, falling, falling

Stones taught me to fly

Love taught me to lie

Life taught me to die

So it's not hard to fall

When you float like a cannonball

Still a little bit of your song in my ear

Still a little bit of your words I long to hear

You step a little closer to me

So close that I can't see what's going on

~ Damien Rice ~

I am falling for Wine Guy so hard that I can't even figure out exactly what's happening. I have never let myself fall this far (not just this fast, but this far AT ALL EVER).

He hasn't called me his girlfriend yet, well, at least not directly. He mentioned that he has told his mom just a little bit about his girlfriends in the past, and he told her a little bit about me. But, I was falling asleep on his chest at that point in the conversation, so i'm not entirely clear on what he said.

He made me a mix cd - a cd with mostly acoustical songs on it. I don't know if he feels everything the songs say, but if he does, then...WHOA.

If High Fidelity is to be believed, then the mix cd is an important and carefully thought out part of the "courtship" plan.

But, in any case, here are some things that happened this weekend that seem major:

1) I made him dinner. I don't cook for just anybody, you know.

2) He brought over his laundry to do in my apartment

3) We danced in my living room to a lot of different songs, to the songs on the mix cd, to some of the stuff on my computer (i.e., Billy Joel), and I actually made eye contact throughout the entire dancing experience.

4) I fell asleep on him when we were watching Entourage in the living room

And FINALLY, THANK THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU to everyone who helped me move! I am overwhelmed with gratitude! I love you all!

I, uh, uhm...URP!!

I have no words.

This week is just...wow..uhm...wow.

I love my family. I love my friends. I love my job.

and

dun dun dun

I HAVE AN APARTMENT!

I, uh, whoa, okay, so much to do!

Warm and Fuzzy and Pills

So, I went over to Wine Guy's place for the first time last night, and we covered A LOT of ground in one night. We talked about exes, about "what happens if a Catholic marries a non-Catholic, does that person have to convert?" and more...even some topics I didn't anticipate coming up this early, like, urp, birth control.

We're all cozy under a blanket, looking up at the stars on the balcony off of his bedroom, and he says, "This isn't going to be an issue for a long time, but what are your thoughts on birth control?"

Now, before I continue with the details of this conversation, allow me to say that on the way to his place, I called Irene to tell her about my apartment fears, worries, etc., and she asked me if Wine Guy knows about my "waiting for marriage thing." I told her that he didn't and that I didn't plan to bring it up on my own volition.

And he brought it up that same day (Irene, have you been talking to Wine Guy??? j/k)

Back to being cozy under the blanket.

The question again, "What are your thoughts on birth control?"

I pause. And pause. Thinking how to best phrase my response.

"Well, it's not going to be an issue for me until after I get married..."

Pause

"and I'm conflicted on it right now. I know that the rhythm method doesn't work...but I'm not sure how I feel otherwise."

"Hmm." (he "hmms" a lot)

"Does that answer your question?"

"Yeah, and I can't make your mind up for you right now."

And so, the semi-awkwardness passed, the snuggling under the blanket continued, he knows I'm waiting for marriage, and I didn't have to bring up the topic. Another hurdle overcome. Sweet.