That, my friends, is what they call a WEEKEND!

Although it started off a big oddly with me in a cat costume talking to first graders (don't even ask), the weekend turned out to be quite fabulous.

Here's what 400 miles in a Honda Civic will buy you:

* A trip to San Jose to TURN IN MY CULMINATING PAPERS! For those of you who don't quite know what that means, remember this: the reason I have been hunkered down like a little hermit in my house is now done and over with! Yeah! Hurrah! Bring out the band and start the PARTY.

* An hour and half spent wandering the aisles of a super-cool grocery store with my super-cool mom. All in all, the San Jose trip was just fantastic!

Total: 160 miles.

* A journey to Berkeley for for one of the strangest parties EVER. First, it was in a wherehouse. Second, the main host was a man in a wedding dress with a plastic blond wig on his head. Third, there was some kind of vegetarian sludge in a bucket that people were eating with their FINGERS. Yeah, I stuck to the potato chips, fresh out of the bag I opened! Finally, the mass quantities of random white people dancing around awkwardly - honestly, I didn't know that that many people of the caucasian persuasion could be made to assemble together in the Bay Area. It is, quite frankly, a little frightening.

* The end of the journey in Berkeley, though, was yummy hot chocolate and lemon-custard cake at the only cafe open on University at 11 at night. Even there, though, a strange man tried to hit on my friend and me by telling us that we reminded him of his sisters and that we had nice earrings. He was quite successful, you know. He owned his own cell phone business.

Total: 100 miles

* Sunday brought some more fun and excitement in the form of Miss Irene! Hooh boy, what would we crazy girls do next? Y'all remember the "Irene and Sarah Go to San Francisco" post. Anything can happen when we're let loose in the Foggy City. Well, it was actually not foggy but beautiful and sunny as we drove around Fifth and Mission, unsuccessfully trying to park in the garage, our attempts to go ice skating foiled, despite the fact that we were both prepared with warm gloves. I even had my skates in the car! We were all set. Oh well...

* So, instead, we engaged our active imaginations and looked at open houses. Apparently, we are believable buyers of two million dollar homes but are just not quite up to snuff when it comes to looking at SIX million dollar homes. Good to know. Good to know.

* Seriously, we were just randomly turning on streets, attempting to amuse ourselves (this is what happens when you get an only child and a youngest child in the car at the same time...short attention spans and the need for constant enterainment apparently add up to aimless wandering in San Fran). Our wanderings at last resulted in a solid product: SHOES! Thanks to Nordstrom Rack, we are both the proud owners of some great new shoes...who can complain about that?!

Total: 140 miles

It was, truly, a fantastic weekend. Joy can be found in so many different ways, and this weekend proved that :).

Find one thing you love, and do it well.

I've heard this advice from another of sources, most recently while watching Mad, Hot Ballroom, a documentary about fifth graders in NYC who learn ball room dancing.

Of course, being me, I absorbed the advice and am now trying to figure out if I have applied it in my own life or ever could apply it in the future.

In high school, we were taught that "well-rounded students" were the ones who got into the best colleges and were the most successful in life. I still remember sitting in that cafeteria (that always managed to smell like french fries) during Freshman orientation. "You must be well-rounded," we were told. We were advised not to specialize too much and to try a little bit of everything.

So, I did, and I do. The advice I got then carried me through college where I took classes in many disciplines (English, Education, Psychology...Italian), worked multiple jobs, took on various responsibilities in my sorority and otherwise kept really busy doing a lot of different things.

Now, I'm entering the library profession, and my well-roundedness finally comes into use: Librarians have a reputation for knowing a little bit about a lot of things. Also, if they don't have an answer, they always know how to find one. That describes me fairly well, so I suppose that professionally, my "one thing I do well" is knowing a little bit about a lot of things.

Personally, though, I'd like to excell at one thing. What that is, I can't decide. I do enjoy engaging in many different hobbies: cooking, baking, photography, writing. But after years of being well-rounded (otherwise known as institutionally sanctioned ADHD), I don't know if I have the attention span to focus on just one activity.

Maybe I don't have to.

What I love doing is enjoying life and being an active participant in my own life. While I'm not necessarily anyone's go-to expert on photography or an internationally recognized baker of cookies, I do like to keep busy trying new activities.

So, what does this mean?

It means that "In May, when school is finally over" (my quote for this semester), I will devote more of my energy to doing things I really love. Who knows, maybe I'm special enough to be really good at a lot of things! Perhaps someday soon you'll taste my chocolate souffle in a bakery in the city and follow that up by a visit to my photo exhibit at a quirky gallery. Who knows!?

There are days when I just want to pick up and move across the country and start all over. Then I realize two things:

1) I did that already (anybody remember the fiasco that was Boston?)
2) It didn't solve anything

On top of that, when I stop to ponder what a move like that would actually involve, I am paralyzed by inaction.

A move like that would involve not just the practical matters like deciding what furniture to bring and what to sell but the matters of the heart like the wonderful friends I have.

I don't want to start ALL over. I just want some things to be different, and that's what I'm working towards. I guess that's just another big part of growing up (sheesh, is 25 the "growing up" year or something?!).

As I pondered starting over in a new city, I did think about my friendships. I realized that I do have some incredible relationships here, and I don't want to sacrifice those for some untangible thing that I think I would get if I left.

In the thinking, though, I thought about some of the friendships that have fallen by the wayside (none with anyone who reads this blog :Þ), and I decided not to cling to those anymore. It's not an anger thing. No big, "I deserve better!" It's just moving on.

It's also about realizing that maybe I wasn't the best friend I could be to these people. Was I only in the friendships to get something for myself? Well, that certainly wasn't my intention, but thinking about it now, I probably did try to get my own way more times than not. I still care very much about these people and want them to lead good lives and find happiness, but I have to recognize that they moved on a long time ago. I no longer need to force a relationship just to say we've known each other for most of our lives.

Hopefully, I've learned something from the friendships that have faded over time. Hopefully, I'm a better friend now than when I was a mere elf of a girl of 13.

As much as I complain about wanting certain things in my life, I do realize the goodness that exists around me, and I'd rather focus on that then spend time trying to force old relationships back into existence. I'm so grateful for the friendships I do have that have flourished over the years, and I hope that I give just a little bit of goodness back into the lives of the people I care about.

Contrary to the content of many of these posts, there is SOOO much more to me than this interesting quest to find the boyfriend/husband I seem to think I need, but, for old time's sake, here's one more post on the topic.

I've been reading and talking and praying and any combination of the three, and I've come to some realizations.

Most certainly, Lent this year is about realizations and growing up...in a good way.

Part of growing up is realizing that I don't always get what I want, when and how I want it. Duh! :)

So, that said, I think it's time to really just jump in and have a leap of faith. That means, I'm not going to make any more overt efforts to find a boyfriend. What I WILL do is have a life. There is so much more to life than looking for a man, and I'm going to take advantage of those things. When God's ready for me to have a boyfriend or get married, he'll provide me with the right man. That much I believe.

So, if there's someone my friends think I should meet, I would be open to the meeting, but I also don't expect them to be out there looking for someone for me, haha.

I am developing that patience I have so long wished I had, and you know, it feels good.

I won't be quite so poetic and philosophical today (i.e., maybe I won't whine so much about vague things).

Instead, I'll talk about thing things I'm HAPPY about.

* I'm happy that I finished one of my final two papers. I mean DONE DONE. I'm not going to look at it again. Yahoo! I'll turn in both of my papers next week, but for now, I'm celebrating the individual accomplishment of finishing one paper.

* Bible study really is making a difference in my life. Even if I'm sort of selfishly motivated at the moment (how can the Bible make ME feel better about my life?), I still appreciate that it's there.

* It means a lot that I get to share this experience with B & H. I spend a lot of time in my own head (not a complaint, just a statement of fact), and I appreciate the chance to get out of my head and talk with other people about the issues that come up in Bible study.

* I'm happy that I'm starting to come to terms with some of the "issues" that have plagued me for years and am starting to take action to rectify them. Mostly, that means getting over myself and getting in touch with reality.

* I'm ridiculously grateful for my parents. I am so happy that we get along. I am so happy that they raised me the way they did. Honestly, I truly can't say enough good things about my parents. I may be the only 25 year old in America who would be willing to broadcast this information on the Internet, but it's still true!

So, those are the things I'm grateful for/happy about today! :)

It has occurred to me that I am past the point in life where showing "potential" is a true compliment. My whole life, from kindergarten through college, I kid you not, I've been told that I have potential. Even now, my supervisors tell me that I have "potential."

A professor told me that one of my papers - certainly not my best work - displayed "more promise than product." That seems like an accurate description of my life up until now. I show promise. I'm bright. I work hard. I turn in good quality reports, assignments, essays, or whatever is asked of me. But there's not a solid product that comes out of that.

Have you seen those t-shirts people put on their babies that say, "Be patient, God isn't finished with me yet." Well, there's a part of me that truly understands that when God is finished with us, we die and go to Heaven...so I'm not ready to be finished, but there's the American part of me that just wants to live up to my potential and start showing some product.

Maybe this has to do with still being in school (for just a bit more than two months longer yet), or not having the job I thought I'd get at graduation from Cal.

In any case, I've got a lot of potential but as yet haven't really lived up to it yet.

It's still early enough in the year that I can say that I'm going to use this year to do just that. To find just what potential I WANT to live up to and to actively pursue doing that, abstract though it that may seem.

More thinking about the same old thing...

Contrary to what these posts might seem to imply, I am NOT as obsessed with finding a guy as it might seem. It just so happens that this has something to do my Lenten tasks (see the earlier post about Ash Wednesday), and I'm working through some "issues."

Though it did occur to me a while ago, I've only really started to realize how true the following statement is: I don't need a man to complete me. I'm not really looking for the missing puzzle piece or even a soulmate. God alone can complete me, and I think that's something incredibly important to realize. There's a quote from Macy Gray (yeah, I know, but stick with me, it's worth it) that says something about how women expect to find a hero, Jesus, or someone else slightly better than human, and when that guy comes along and his name is Steve, what are you supposed to do? The expectations that women have for who their husband will be are, well, unfair.

I think that we sometimes forget about God, or if a woman isn't religious, perhaps she's looking for God and doesn't even realize it. When we forget that God is supposed to be the most important presence in our lives, we scramble around trying to find something to fit into the gap.

So, here are the realizations that come out of this:
1) Yes, I can "complete" myself in the feminist sort of way - I can have a career and hobbies and great friends. I can even have a man, but he's not the end-all and be-all of my existence.
2) The end-all and be-all of my existence is God.

Along with that, here are the things I do NOT expect from my future husband:
* I do not expect him to complete me
* I do not expect him to ever be my best friend - friend sure, but best friend is already taken
* I do not expect a soul mate

Some esoteric things I DO expect:
* I do expect to build a friendship and a partnership
* I do expect that we will love each other (thought I forgot that one, didn't you?!)
* I do expect that God will be central to our relationship

Thanks for reading and thanks for supporting me as I come to these decidedly un-Hollywood Romantic-but still romantic in their own way realizations.

So, here's why I don't like the idea of relaxing my "appearance" standards:

1) My idea of who is attractive does not necessarily agree with the rest of the world (or even with what my friends find attractive). Jake Gyllenhaal is *hot*, but not everyone agrees with that. What am I saying here (besides that Jake Gyllenhaal is *hot* and that I have a teensy crush on Jon Stewart)? That my standards are already pretty specific to what I like. I'm not trying to get with...oh...I don't know...Matthew McConaughey (*melt*). And Matthew McConaughey is the new Stetson guy, so that's pretty much All-American hot. I think my standards are realistic for me, and that's what matters.

2) I'm the one who has to live with the guy for the rest of my life, and, uhm, reproduce with him. So, if I don't find him attractive, how's that going to work? I'll tell you right now that it's not going to work. I understand that someone can become attractive over time, but I'm not going to start dating someone I don't feel "that way" about. If we're friends first, and the attraction develops over time, well, then that's a totally different story.

So, that's me defending my need to actually find someone attractive before going on a date with him. Seems reasonable to me!

I guess it boils down to this:

I don't want to date a complete stranger.

I've done that, and it's scary! I know that there is a "getting to know you" process in any relationship, whether you know a friend in common or not, but the thought of just dating someone who nobody I know knows first is absolutely terrifying. I've done it, but it's freakin' weird and hard and scary, and I don't want to do it again. I won't say that I refuse to do it again, but I don't like the thought of it.

So, do I want to date a friend of a friend?

Well...I've done that. It doesn't end well when I date a close friend of a friend, but maybe a "Hey, my friend "Insert Guy Name Here" from work is single...I'll invite him to a party and introduce you to him" would work better than the never-good-in-the-long-run (at least not for me) situation of dating someone's best guy friend...

I could have patience and develop my own friendships with guys that may or may not eventually turn into a romantic relationship, but it's hard to build a friendship out of nothing. "Oh, hi, I see you're reading a book I've read before, Mr. Cute Guy in Barnes and Noble, let's be friends!"

So, yes, for the five millionth time, I realize that getting into a relationship is HARD. Does that mean it's not worth it? Honestly, I don't know. Everytime I talk about wanting to be in a relationship, people who are in them, seem to warn me away. They say things like, "You're young," or "Don't worry about getting a boyfriend." So, why aren't I supposed to worry? Is there something y'all aren't telling me?

What's the conclusion to all of this? I'm trying to be patient and trying to live my life in the mean time, but in order to have a proper family in the way I plan to, I need to have a boyfriend who eventually becomes my husband.

So, on a daily basis, I don't *miss* having someone beside me, but when I stop to think about the big picture, I realize that a boyfriend is sort of a necessity.

What's the solution, then? Well, as I see it, there are several:
* My friends could be on the look out for guys for me and set me up with them, or at least arrange a meeting at a dinner party or something.
* After graduation, I can join some groups...I don't know...a hiking club? find a photography lab and meet some artsy fellas? just develop a larger circle of guy friends?
* Or...change my standards. I think that my standards, at least as far as appearance goes, are really high. That's not necessarily a problem. Now, that doesn't mean I usually date totally smokin' guys. What that means is that I don't really date that much. Are my standards too high?

Alright, so no real solutions to this problem seem to exist at the moment, but if you've got some ideas, let me know, okay? Though I can't promise to name my first born child after you if you help me find love, I can promise that I would make you a delicious batch of chocolate chip cookies :).

The whole thing has me a little suspicious.

When I went to a dating event in San Francisco, the first question I got asked was, "So, do you live in the city?" The conversations went downhill after my inevitable, "No." Apparently, men who live in the city only want to date women who live in the city.

Then who are these people I read about who live in different states or even countries. Who are these people who manage to build relationships despite that fact that they live more than 40 miles apart (40 miles seems to be the cutoff for starting a relationship in the Bay Area)? Is this a Bay Area thing? Are we all just so tired from commuting by car that we have no energy for personal lives that require a significant investment in gasoline and time?

Now, honestly, I'm not really complaining, because I'm one of those people who, more often than not, uses distance as an excuse. Sometimes it's a real excuse - if I've had a particularly tiring week, the prospect of more driving is not only exhausting but also frightening. I know what happens when I try to write when I'm tired, and driving while exhausted has the potential to harm far more than my GPA.

As much as I do want to get married and start a family, I have also been thinking about the reality of the whole situation. I don't want to date someone in the town where I live, because I don't want to live here for the rest of my life, but I also don't want (or can't seem to find anyone to) date in, say, San Francisco, because that's just too much driving. It's ridiculous! People my age are far too exhausted for their own good, and it's now endangering my future!

Ash Wednesday

Each year, well past the time when New Year's resolutions have fallen aside, Catholics have the opportunity to start fresh. Perhaps the Lenten sacrifice is part of other Christian denominations, as well, but for Catholics, it's sort of a huge deal. Some will, as I did as a child, give up candy or soda for the forty days (which always manages to be forty-seven days, counting Holy Week) between Ash Wednesday and Easter Sunday. Others will go without television or secular music. And then there's the alternative definition of "sacrifice," the one that more closely relates to the New Year's resolution, the life change. These forty days may mean more than a break from smoking or a release from the temptation of dessert, they may mean the start of a new life. During Lent, some will try to become more patient people. They may start to pray more. They may truly stop and take a look at their lives and their priorities, and, hopefully, come Easter Sunday, they won't decide to go back to their old ways, cloaking themselves with negativity while those who gave up sweets rabidly consume peanut M&M's and Cadbury eggs.

What will I give up or change? Well, that's between God and me. I will say this, I'm not giving up candy (I hardly eat it, what kind of sacrifice would that be?) or anything tangible. I like that. I like that I won't be sitting down to eat with someone, not order a soda and have them ask me why I'm not drinking one, "Oh," I'd say quietly, "I gave it up for Lent." I don't like having to share that information. It always feels pretentious. So, instead, I'm going to work on something that really is beteween God and me.

I will say this much: I remember a time when I could actually fit into the category of "sweet," as in, "She's a sweet girl." I think I've gotten a bit more sour with time and would like to recapture some parts of who I was in the past, and to do that, I have to start by taking a serious look at what God wants for me.

Whether you're returning to a New Year's resolution that you abandoned before the last half-price Christmas items were off the shelf or taking up a new challenge, or even if you're not a Christian, I hope that you can take the next several weeks and consider anything in your life that might not exactly be working for you, or for God, and think about changing that.