Okay, so remember how I said a few months ago that taking just two classes would, and I quote myself here, "feel like cheating." Yeah, not so much.

The two classes I have are both challenging in their own way. Racing the clock to finish two twenty page papers on really intensive topics is threatening to give me a melt down, but I am pushing through and trying to get this done as quickly as possible. I have half of a the first draft of one paper written, and let me tell you, it is a word by word, sentence by sentence, kind of experience...the words just don't pour of out me as they have in the past. I think I'm tired. Okay, I know I'm tired. My body is not responding well to grad school...well, more my body is not responding well to the 18 months solid of reading, writing, "participating" (agh, I hate the word even more now than I did in high school, and I didn't think that was possible) and otherwise learning my chosen profession. I'm happy to be preparing myself for what appears to be a promising (though not lucrative by any means) career, BUT I'm exhausted.

The other class, cataloging, in case you're curious, is essentially like learning a new language. Well, it's more on par with learning HTML. Okay, it's a combination of computer-speak and playing a boardgame with my mom when I was a child - ALL THE RULES MUST BE FOLLOWED (hi, Mommy). It's an interesting experience, paying attention to every comma, semi-colon and "full-stop." This class will be more, uhm, fun, when I'm not also trying to write papers that are my golden tickets to graduation.

So, that's what's in my head. I could whine some more, but I think you all get the point.

No, wait, I do have more to say - it's this school stuff along with the stress of trying to figure out where I want to apply for jobs - mind you, this isn't to the stage of deciding what job to accept or worrying myself silly over where to rent an apartment. No, this is just "where would I be okay working/living/having a life?" It's an exciting, but scary time. And no, I don't just have me to worry about...I've got friends and family filling my life in lots of good ways. Quite frankly, I'd rather be planning a birthday bash for a friend than writing a paper, but the paper must be written. So, yeah, I'm a whiner and a complainer, but in May, I'll be a whiner and complainer with a master's degree :Þ.

So, is this suburban angst?

Lately, I've been craving someplace other than good old F-town. Honestly, this time, I don't think it has anything to do with a European vacation (when I ran away to Boston, I was in search of London). I think I'm not willing to accept that it's my destiny to stay here, in a place I've known, loved and loathed my entire life.

I've said before that I'd rather be somewhere where I'm completely unknown than be unknown in a place that really should know me by now. I know it's not just me. I know it's friends who are ready to abandon the Bay Area, high prices, crazy families and drama galore. I know it's my mom who doesn't want to be stuck here, complaining that there's nothing to do for the rest of her life.

There are places I want to live, dreams that need fulfillment...

You know, I talk a lot about wanting a boyfriend, a husband, a settled life. That I haven't gotten anywhere close to that here speaks volumes not only about my personality but about this place. I don't want to raise my children here, so why I am looking for a man here?

Can you imagine the conversation?

Scenario 1:
"Hi, I just met you. Are you planning on living here forever? I don't want to raise my kids here."

Scenario 2:

"Hi, , nice to meet you. Yes, I'm looking for a boyfriend, but I'm hoping he'll be willing to move in the next 6 months to 1 year."

Scenario 3:

"Why, hello. Well, I might want to move. I don't know. I think I do. But I want it to be an option. What about you? Are you going to stay in the Bay Area?"

Considering that 6 of the 8 guys I talked to at 8 minute dating opened with, "Do you live in San Francisco?," I seriously doubt that I'll be able to find a man who wants to start a relationship with a girl who wants to get married and immediately move out of the area.

Of course, this could all just be part of my active efforts to procrastinate and not write my final papers.

While I should simply enjoy the warm weather, I find myself missing winter just a bit. A part of this longing for the cold is a mind-trick, I'm sure, because I know that this is only "fake Spring." The 70 degree days over the weekend were just a break in the wind and rain that we will still have to experience before Spring really arrives. I'm not being pessimistic...I heard it on the news!

Plus, I'm still in a winter mood. I still want to wear scarves and boots and coats and gloves and use my electric blanket at night. I want to huddle on the couch and complain about it being too cold to go outside. I'm not ready to have to get outside and "enjoy the fresh air."

Of course, I did enjoy the three day weekend, complete with sunshine and daily walks, but now that it's the week again, I sort of want to groan and complain about the dark clouds outside.

The people on the East Coast, I'm sure, would slap me upside the head for wanting to be cold, but hey, what can I say? I'm full of contradictions.

p.s. thanks to B & H for braving the nightmare that is I-80 East to have our weekly meeting chez moi :).

Sometimes listening to a good song with just the right lyrics will make life make just a bit more sense.

A friend of mine gave me a wonderful CD of Christian music. There are times when I need it hammered into my head that God is out there, listening to me, hearing my prayers, and watching over me.

The plan I have for myself is not always the exact plan God had for me. Higher education? Okay, God's got my back on that one. Health in the clear? Okay, for the most part, that one's under control.

Romance? Now, there's something interesting. I think I am FINALLY (no, seriously) getting the point that the romance in my life will come in God's time and on God's terms. I have been given a little droplet of hope that what I am waiting for is out there and when I am truly ready, it will find me. Hmm, maybe a combination of cynicism and optimism is just what I needed. A total belief in the romance advertised in movies leaves no room for the issues of real relationships, the stuff that real love is made of.

The older I get, the more I realize what truly goes into love, and I want to take it seriously. Love is not something to squeeze in between homework assignments or to schedule once a week, when I don't have other plans.

For the first time, I realize that I am grateful to God for not giving me the gift of a relationship before I am ready to handle one. I fully believe that when I find my husband, we will have a fulfilling and wonderful life together. Sure, there will be issues (after all, he'll still be a boy, and boys are trouble), but they will be the issue I am willing to accept, issues I simply view as part of our relationship. There's a Garth Brooks song with the line, "One of God's greatest gifts is unanswered prayers."

Well, sometimes "No" is an answer. I understand that now.

Zora Neale Hurston said that there are years that ask questions and years that answer. I believe this may well be a year that answers - FINALLY!

My rant(s) for the day:

* Boys/guys/men, whatever your label of choice for our XY-chromosomed fellow humans, have a tendency to really not think about the consequences of their actions. I'm not talking about the random guys you meet and flirt with but who never call you. I'm talking about the ones who should frigging know better, the ones who know their female fellow humans (be they friend, girlfriend, wife, whatever) well enough to just make better choices.

* Today's tip for guys: If you do something wrong, we will find out. Whether we find out because you let something slip, because you post it on the Internet, or through various other means, we will find out. Count on it.

* My rant about my pseudo-thesis thingee for school (that's a technical, library-issue term, by the way): Why are we not allowed to ask any questions? Why is there no support for those of us doing research? I was warned that this would happen, that a few weeks into the process, I would question the reasoning behind the whole thing, and darn if all of those now-graduated students didn't have it just right!

I could go on, believe me, but suffice to say that this has been another emotionally challenging week for one and all.

"The way out of the labyrinth is forgiveness."

I've been reading a lot about forgiveness. I've perused it in the Bible (thanks in part to a slow, but just-right, reading of the New Testament with B and H), and I ran across the quote above in a book called Looking for Alaska by John Green.

How do we forgive? Is forgiveness the point where the pain doesn't hurt as much? Have I forgiven someone when I don't want to yell and scream and curse and kick whenever I see them? What right do I have to forgive someone who wronged not me but someone I love?

I'm talking about the deep hurts that take years to commit. How long am I allowed to wallow and feel angry before forgiving?

What if it's impossible to truly forgive? Does that mean that my soul will be caught up in the cycle of life until it learns how to let go of old hurts and how to finally forgive.

Maybe that's the lesson in this life of mine. Maybe I simply need to learn how to forgive, how not to hold a grudge.

can I not forgive because I'm so hard on myself? I expect perfection from me, and it seems I expect it from others as well.

If the way out of the seemingly endless cycle of hurting and being hurt by people is to forgive them, then I suppose it's time I gave it a genuine try.

I want to raise my children in an environment free of old hates and lingering anger. That means I have from now until I become a mother to learn to truly forgive. If not for myself, then for my future children, I can learn to forgive.