"Make the choice you will wish you had made as your life is drawing to an end" ~ Abbé d'Hérouville ~

I think that to some extent we all know the choices we want to make in our lives. There are those who say that they never want to marry, and they are content with that decision. Others know that they want to marry but are uncertain about children. Some (like me) know that their lives will not be complete without a husband and, God willing, children. I think that the Abbé's quote is certainly poignant. What choice will you not regret?

As someone who lives with a certain degree of regret, I know that there are some things that I will never compromise. The regret of making even a small error in judgment bothers me too much, and I would never want want to feel regret about the biggest decisions in my life.

In other news (and for those of you who may be wondering), the platelets are still low (23,000), but the new doc says that as long as they stay above 20,000 (or at least 17,000), then there is no need for panic. This is a good thing. I'm still taking my time and resting when I can, but I just feel relieved that nothing has to come out and no one is going to be pumping me full of toxic meds!

Also...it's been a while, but, thanks in part to Haylz, there's a little non-medical weirdness in my life again! :Þ

Okay, so yesterday, I was experimenting with HTML, and, now, I've got a pink fonted blog (right?). Yeah! PINK!

Today, I get to go pick out a new journal. This is a HUGE thing for me, because usually I have a stack of journals that people have given me for my birthday or Christmas (all perfectly wonderful and lovely journals...heh...that's why I use them). This is the first time in several years where I actually get to go to the store and pick out my very own journal. I'm SUPER excited! Probably more excited than any sane person would be, but like I said, this is a HUGE thing for me!

Hmmm. I'm actually happy being at home right now. On the other hand, I've come to accept that at some point in the (probably) near future, there will be major changes. I don't know what will happen, but I've got this feeling that something good is coming down the line.

I CAN'T WORK ANOTHER FULL-TIME, LOW PAY, LOW CLASS, CLERICAL POSITION. I just can't. Maybe I'm a bad person, but I can't keep taking on jobs that I'm ashamed to mention to my friends. Sorry. I've got this 4 year degree, and I'm going to use it for something goshdarnit!

I'm pooped.

Whew, typing on a computer all day is exhausting!!

It's also somewhat disheartening to learn that people with GED's are making $15.00 more an hour than me!

It's like this odd little world where you can imagine a girl my age complaining about the job to her mom...the mom says:

"This is why I told you to go to college!"

and the girl says, "But I DID go to college!"

That's the catch! I've got this degree that isn't helping...when will it help, I ask you!

Hey! New windows! Whoohoo! Okay, that's my when I have my own house I will still get just as excited about these sorts of things moment :)

Still pooped, but I've got a one day job tomorrow that is, in some ways, a mini-interview for another job in that office. I'm looking forward to earning a little dough, but I'm still working on feeling better. I had to take an hour and a half nap today. I was pooped! Oh well. Eventually, all of this will get worked out; I hope.

Can I just say that I have fantastic friends and a great family? If I complain too much about not having some of things I want, I'm sorry. I've got an incredible assortment of people in my life, and I am truly blessed to know them. Thank you for all of your thoughts and prayers over the last few weeks. {{{All of you}}}

The little job yesterday in the stockbroker's office was a decent gig. I worked for 5.25 hours, wrote one short story, and finished the book I brought with me. It was a fairly quiet afternoon. I answered the phones and otherwise kept myself busy sans computer!

We have a busy day planned today - library, gym, etc. I'm looking forward to getting the little personal errands done.

My dinner last night with Julie has me convinced that Christmas time individual gatherings are a bad idea. Allow me to explain. When I had dinner with a couple of friends (no one you know) over the holidays, conversation was stilted, and time passed veeeerrrrryyyy slowly. Yet, when I met with these friends in the past few weeks, we've talked non-stop for hours (or at least for considerably longer than over the holidays). I was thrilled to be back in sync with these pals, but it leads me to believe that the holidays are too full of stress and responsibility to also enjoy meeting up with the people we only see two or three times a year. If it's a holiday gathering with someone I see every few weeks, then it's another great conversation. With someone I saw months before, it's awkward. Still and all, I'm grateful to have the holidays to blame rather than a waning friendship.

Oh my. This has been an interesting past few days, to say the least. For all of you who've been following my little saga of hopes and dreams, thank you for your kind attention. I found out on Friday evening that I was NOT accepted in the Creative Writing program at UC Davis. I don't know why, and I don't know if I will ever get a reason beyond, "we had a lot of qualified applicants..." This does mean, though, that I need to re-evaluate my life plans for the next couple of years. I don't know what comes next, but I'm keeping an open mind and trying not to concentrate on the fact that I won't be getting my master's anytime soon.

I do have a little temp job to go to this afternoon. I'll make like $40 after taxes, but that'll pay for a few little lunch/dinner outings with my wonderful little friends. I'll take what I can get, you know?

Finally, Jessica came to Fairfield. Thanks to Patrick! Anyway, it was a good little get together/outing. It's important to see your friends and keep in touch, right?

On that note, a big shout-out to Irene for her suprise in my inbox e-card (I love saying "big shout-out," I get to feel both high school and ghetto at the same time). Thank you ever so...I promise to get in touch soon!

That's all. I should go "rest" before I leave for work in an hour.

Platelets down to 20,000.

Doctors freaked out.

Mama much less worried (on the outside) than I might expect.

I'm just taking it day by day, eating spinach and red beans (thank you, Jessica) and concentrating on getting my life together...what else can I do?

I am working on establishing an IRA. I feel so official and organized, despite the fact that I don't have a job.

Everyday brings with it the new hope that the mailman will deliver good news. I've long since given up on e-mail bringing good news. Nah, I'm relying on the good-ole-blue-shorts-wearing-white-jeep-driving-mailman. Isn't there a song or two about that?

I-80 SHUT DOWN for 2 Hours.

Of course, I was on the way to Berkeley!

Luckily, I had Mama to keep me company!

Safely at home now.

Hurray for Coke and Sushi! (mmmmmmm, lunch never tasted so good as after being stuck on the freeway while CHP chases down a mad gunman!)

So, now, instead of looking for my dream job (because I'm not entirely convinced that I have ANY skills anymore), I'm going to work on getting a job that pays and that I might be able to keep for a while.

What good is a college degree these days?

"Find your own Calcutta" ~ Mother Teresa ~

It's "early days" in the gardening season (jeez, I sound so old!), but I got out in the yard today and had some fun with the rose bushes. My "thought it was going to die, but somehow it keeps living," rose bush is growing all over the place. It now has a great new accessory - instead of the twine I couldn't find, I pulled back the overgrown parts with a pretty velvet ribbon. Quite nice. Maybe that will give the small bush an ego boost! The other one is so tough and wild that I have had to cut off entire branches at a time. My little one had only one good branch at the end of the season last year, so I'm glad to see it nice and fresh and green.

That's all...just a little update on rose bushes. I like to garden. I get to use my body, see the dogs, and make a contribution to our family's little plot of land. Workin' the family land, isn't that the American Dream?

Going swimming.

Writing poetry.

"Researching" for my chosen career (this means that I'm doing a lot of reading).

Finishing the cycle of meds.

Yup. That's my week.

Sudden racing in my chest.
Medically enduced?
Phone call enduced?
No job.
Bills.
Why isn't the Last Action Hero fixing things?

Again, I get to spend the day doing things I love - shopping with Mommy, writing, prepping for Saturday's garage sale...but I don't like the medication I'm on...it makes my heart beat too quickly.

My (former as of this week) employer has already hired a new temp. In the words of my mom, "No matter how secure you think you are in your job, as a temp, you're completely replaceable." Yech. Oh well, I wouldn't want them pining for me, but, still, no one even wrote to accept my letter of resignation!

THE SUN IS OUT AND SHINING AND GORGEOUS, AND I'M SO HAPPY TO BE IN CALIFORNIA.

I'm better medically speaking (mostly) and am enjoying my time at home a little too much. Playing with J.J. in the backyard, going to the gym at 2 in the afternoon. Soon, I'm even going to work on some short stories...wow, look at me, liking my time. If only I didn't NEED money...isn't that the wish of everyone who doesn't have it?

25,000.

The lowest EVER.

Out of for the forseeable future.

Why this is bad:

*had to quit the job (no money till the next one comes along)
*Mommy looks like she's going to cry at any moment
*It's just bad. It sucks. I thought I had this thing in some kind of "remission."

Dang platelets.

Out for the week :(

Sick.

Sick.

Sick.

Yesterday spent asleep in bed (except for watching the uneventful Oscars...)

Today spent sleeping till 11, reading, then doctor to find out that I have an infection that antibiotics can't help. Just have to wait it out, I suppose.

Sometimes I miss the more flexible schedule of school. Clearly, a 40 hour work week does not agree with my immune system.

New goal for the week: Get better, not worry about finding a new job, just wait out the sickness and the time before I hear from the county.