It's like I've found the serum for happiness, but I'm not allowed to use it.

I didn't used to believe that the same rules that apply to dating apply to friendships.

I don't know what else to do but write. I can't make anything better any other way.

Lately, I guess I've gone back to feeling like that lonely freshman just trying to talk to people in high school..or, worse (and this is more like it), the junior trying to sit at a table with the popular girls, because none of her friends are around. People ignore me. People act like I'm not even there. People treat me like a pest - I'm like an eager puppy who people just don't want around.

Will I always be struggling to fit in? Will I always have such difficulty reading social cues?

From Monica:

Two atoms bump into each other.  One says, "I think I lost an electron!" The other asks, "Are you sure?," to which the first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."

(aahhhhhh....thanks for the giggle fit)

For Hire:

A Cal Grad (w/honors)

I want to do something that doesn't bore me to tears. I don't mind downtime (if you don't mind me taking care of personal business when there's literally NOTHING that needs to be done around the office).

I have good, solid work ethic, and I'd like to make a change someplace.

Alas, I also have student loans and other responsibilities, so I won't work cheap. I'd prefer a salary above the $30,000 a year mark, and I think you'll find I'm worth it.

Let me edit. Let me write. Let me THINK.

Contrary to what the above may lead you to believe, I am a "team player."

Not to belabor the point, but if I can't remember my own phone number (after having the same one for so many years), why would ANYONE trust me with anything?

I'm not down on myself...it's hysterical, really. The job I really want, I don't get because of some stupid error. Stupid errors are the bain of my existence. They are the B's that should have been A's on my transcript. They are the stupid, stupid, stupid comments that somehow get sent to too many people. They are me being arrogant and stubborn. Well, at least stubborn and somewhat repressive. Careless mistakes are what make it entirely possible that I will never succeed at anything in this world.

At least these kinds of careless errors don't prevent me from having a wonderful family and a fantastic group of friends who love and support me. I appreciate that they love me, despite my failings.

Hey...does anyone remember that "Ed" started b/c the lead character, aptly named Ed, made a careless grammatical error in a court docket. Maybe this mistake will lead to me returning to my hometown, reviving a failing bowling alley and starting an on-again-off-again relationship with my high school crush. Then again...maybe it'll just make me a star with a steady paycheck. I could live with that.

p.s. where's my smartass?

It occurred to me as I updated my friendster profile that I am not looking for justurbasicniceguy. No, I would be bored by him, I am certain. Nay, I am looking for the conveniently unattainable smart-ass who is not cocky but who is both intelligent and sarcastic (hence, an actual Smart Ass). Allow current characters from television and movies to elaborate my point.

Gilmore Girls: Dean (boring but hot), Jess (too cocky smart-ass), Luke (old, but more along the lines of what I'm looking for), that English teacher Lorelai was going to marry (that's probably more like it)

Friends: Joey (uhhhhh), Ross (annoying), Chandler (there ya go..but cuter, please)

Sex and the City (I apologize, this one is a bit outdated...I'm only on season 4): Big (COCKY), Aidan and Steve (just about right).

I just watched Deliver Us from Eva...pardon me if I don't have the character's names right:

LL Cool J (damn...but no, too cocky for me)
the one who was married to the doctor (a little dorky, but yes, just about right)
the police officer (no...plaYA)
the other one, married to Jackie (eh...)

Alright, I hope this posting has led to a few smiles. I'm sure it's led to a few "What is she talking about??" type comments, but that's okay...'cause I'm cool like that

(I blame VH1's airing of "One Hit Wonders" for the above comment)

Most (over)used advice for new writers:

So, you wanna be a writer? Well, WRITE.

I'm trying. I'm trying.

This post had a different topic when I started to write it in my head while falling asleep last night. I have to start with what got on my nerves this morning.

I was merrily making my way back from picking up newspapers and the morning mail from our "sister" office on campus. The early morning sun was shining, and I thought about how much I really enjoy being outside at 8:30 in the morning (although I did wish that I could do so without having to get up at 5:30). I remenisced about the few early classes I had while a student at Cal. All in all, I felt good inside.

Then, I saw an old classmate, a sorority sister, walking towards me. I was happy to see her and prepared myself for a bit of a chat. She just nodded towards me and kept talking into her cell phone, as though it was normal for her to see me walking down the street in Berkeley when in fact we haven't seen each other since graduation. She probably didn't even recognize me and only nodded because of my greeting, a simple "Hey!" Still, I caught myself spiraling into one of those self-defeating moments.

"Oh, that's right, she works for the basketball team! She's got a great job, and here I am carting newspapers down to the office. No wonder! Maybe I should interview for the job in SF. No, that would be cutting off my nose to spite my face. I shouldn't take a job I don't want only to suit what I assume are the opinions of others. She doesn't even know what I'm doing here! She didn't even talk to me! I'm judging myself through her eyes!"

I calmed myself down after this and continued my walk to the office, where I soon discovered that a coworker had brought her kittens in for a visit. I huddled with the rest of the office, watching the kittens play amidst the cubicles and on top of a giant ball of string. Peace settled on the office, and the "friend from college encounter" soon flew out of my mind.

Okay, now I can write what I wanted to write before I felt bad about myself and recovered.

Berkeley has a different meaning for me than it did when I was a student. I'll admit that it feels quite odd to set foot on the campus without having any academic business there, but, overall, I'm appreciating the "city job" feeling that I get from working here. Taking the train into a bustling station, walking up a street that proudly boasts a Quiznos, a Japanese snack shop, a fancy, reservations only, restaurant and an indie movie theater that shows movies "sometime after midnight," I get what I need. I get the feeling of being in a big city, even while Berkeley has a total population of just over 100k.

Berkeley also has a different meaning, because I've gotten to read through many of the back files, searching for certain documents, and I've learned a great deal about the goings-on here. Nothing is confidential, but most of it I didn't know before working here.

So, I'm able to take something from this job (and I have to take something, since I won't get paid for another two weeks!), from the new social possibilities it offers me (dinner in the middle of the week with Jessica!), and, yes, even the commute. Here's what The Daily Show With John Stewart likes too call "A Moment of Zen," except mine really isn't ironic...

On the ride into work on Amtrak - out of the right window, I could see the still-full moon, out of the left, the red, rising sun.

I ran across an article today, and I had to respond.

I am tired of reading and otherwise hearing about what men don't like about women.
Articles like these imply that women should always be the ones to change in a relationship.
I especially object to the comment about women "letting themselves go."
I may be naive about love, but I believe that relationships should be the most honest,
safe places that we have. Women should not feel pressured to constantly wear makeup,
curl their hair (or straighten it) and "seduce" their men.

Men certainly exhibit none of these tendencies. They wear their rattiest t-shirts to bed,
schlep around the just-vacuumed rug with mud-caked boots and otherwise
behave like neandrathals.

Certainly women complain, I'm not disputing that, but women also
accept men, to some degree, as they come.

We know that they won't always wear their best button-up to dinner and that their
"dress shoes" might be the same pair they've had since high school, but we love them
and cherish them anyway. Is it asking too much for men to feel the same?

It's pretty darn cool, actually, getting on the train each morning. I feel like a New Yorker, or someone who lives somehwere else on the East Coast. I'm fond of this kind of travel. I get to look out the window and see the sun rise over the rolling fields of the Sacramento Valley and see it set over the San Francisco Bay - that's darn cool. Of course, I would much prefer to be home more than 2 hours before I have to go to sleep, but I'm enjoying the experience while I can.

Advice I received recently: Scout out a hottie grad student at Berkeley to be your next boy toy!! =)

I'll get right on that.

Toodles.