Fairly settled in Boston. I start my grad program this evening - what whirl-wind of events in the last six months, even though my life seemed to move along at a snail's pace. Now, I find myself debating whether or not to pursue print journalism since I have so many broadcast options before me...oh well, we'll see what happens.

A few days ago, I just couldn't handle my grandma anymore & I pretty much told her so. Now, I know that in "normal" families, people don't really argue with their elders...but then, again, in "normal" families, there aren't people like my grandmother. She's totally aware of everything that goes on, but she denies it all, unless it can affect her positively (unless she can tell her little church friends about how hard it is for her to have a daughter who is sick...or whatever). In any case, I just got a little tired of her crap - I didn't say it in those words, exactly. I actually was fairly eloquent - I spoke me piece, and she walked around with her fingers in her ears laughing. Psycho.

The next day, she had forgotten all about it. She lives in a nice little place called Denial.

She called me selfish & immature, said that she was disappointed in me. When I said that I shouldn't have spoken up (really, what I said was, I should know better - because it's true...I should know better than to try to have these discussions with her, because she never listens & she never changes), she gave me a lecture on how my little "fits" don't accomplish anything. I disagree. I felt better...I released the tension....and the next day, it hadn't affected her any - she just buried it along with all the stuff she can't face.

I know that I can be selfish and immature, but I also know that I am not these things in the way that she thinks I am.

She told me to stop complaining about things and to take action (she threw back these words, as I had just said them to her) - well, I did take action. I applied to a grad program & moved across the country - now if that's not taking action, I don't know what is!

So, now I am here. She has flown back to her nutty little world. My mom's still here (I don't even want to think about her leaving just yet...), and I start school this evening. I don't deny what happened with my grandma, but I can move beyond it and try to start my little life here...

Thank you for your love.
Thank you for giving me life.
Thank you for giving me wings.
Thank you for letting me fly.

"And I've been afraid of changing, 'cause I built my life around you, but time makes you bolder..."


I'm flying away today, but I'll come back - hopefully, stronger, more sure of my identity and ready to expand the family :)

I love you!

After pulling clothes out of my closet for about an hour and piling them onto a suitcase and still having the thought "I need more clothes," I have come to the realization that I will not be able to leave behind those strange aspects of my personality that I don't always like....simly by moving across the country. I like to have enough stuff. I like to have a pair of pants for every day of the week - so at least 7 pairs so that if I had to wear pants all week, I would not have to repeat. Blame it on Catholic School uniforms - wearing the same clothes basically every day (although mostly I had a couple of outfits that just looked exactly the same) - or blame it on the week I spent with visiting relatives & my grandma in L.A....we were traveling the whole time, and my grandma threw her back-out (the only time I've ever known her to do that), and she wore the same exact outfit ALL WEEK, even to bed! It had stains, wrinkles..smells...but she said it was too hard for her to change. I gave her a disgusted look, and she said, "well, I've changed my underwear!" Well, if she could change her underwear, certainly she could change the rest of her outfit...dontcha think? Anyway, for fear of turning into my grandmother (and I know that I already have some of her personality tendencies despite my efforts otherwise...saying rude things to sales people, picking at food left in the serving dishes after a meal...talking REALLY loud), I prefer to wear something completely different every day during which I go out in public. Whatever the reason for my desire to have complete, different outfits for each day of the week, I can't leave it behind in California. I wanted all my boxes to be organized and marked. They are, but towards the end, the lists look more like "books, socks, glasses" instead of the detail of the first lists "1 round glass bowl, blue plate, Jewel book." So, I have a vague recollection of what's in each of my boxes (now on their way across country..hopefully not arriving before me)...but I have to accept that I'll never be as organized as I want to be...it's just not me. I'm one of those people who is anal enough to be bothered by mess but too lazy to do much about it. A lovely combination that leaves me quite irritated from time to time (but not doing anything about it). So, when I travel across country, to start a new (hopefully wonderful) life, I will take with me the family traits that I have grown to both love and hate (mostly love) - labeled boxes that rarely contain what the labels say, piles of clothes containing things I never wear but "might need someday," an excess supply of kitchen and office supplies, and the desire to finally be happy, to finally have what I've always wanted but can never see me to get for one reason or another. Hopefully, this move will be the kick in the butt I need to really go out there and make my dreams come true (cliched, I know, but true nonetheless).

I'm leaving for grad school in less than a week. The past few months have been such a roller coaster, that I can hardly believe that I'm going to be doing something that will actually make me happy. Sure, it's a huge risk, and I'm scared out of my mind. I'm not sure how I'll survive without Mama, Daddy, the pets & the rest of my life support, but I'll do it somehow. I've started to imagine myself hanging out with friends I've yet to meet...going to dinner with boys I haven't heard speak. It's rather exciting. Then, I hit the real world screaming, as I realize that I have no money, and I'm about to enter a place I've never been. I'm packing up and moving somewhere I've never even visited. Exciting - yes. Frightening - YES! I've annoyed so many people over the past few months (but hey, it's hard to be pleasant when one is pretty much hating the world and wondering how the heck she ended up where she is...), and they have been really patient! I hope that I'll be able to repay them someday...perhaps an article in the NY Times speaking of the profound impact of my loved ones on my life...or perhaps an article that has a little less to do with, uh, me...maybe something just talking about how wonderful these people are on a daily basis. I like that.