Alright, it's official. I'm 23. AND I'M LOVED!! I felt so special on my little day. Totally "feelin' the love" from all around. Thank you so much to my wunnerful friends and my fantabulous Mommy and Daddy who all made sure my day was super fantastic!

(really, I feel this happy about my birthday yesterday! amazing!)

I'm filled with JUBULATION and am slowing down to make the morning last. I know your SHIP is right behind, and I'm waiting for my dreams (which are supposedly on THEIR WAY).

Thank you for letting me escape from my ISLAND and revel with you in the SOUNDS of MY MUSIC.

OLD FRIENDS truly are the greatest, and whenever I walk down COBBLESTONES, I'll remember that and just feel GROOVY.

Simon and Garfunkel, Arco Arena, Nov. 20, 2003 - IT ROCKED!

I'm going to naturally wait out the dry spell.

As I approach my 23rd birthday (and after a lenghty conversation with my best friend, who JUST turned 23 two days ago), I must reflect on my little existence on this planet.

Every year, I make a special entry in my journal (the "real" journal, not the blog), much like other people might on New Year's Day. I assess the past year and set some new goals. Year after year, the assessment and the goals remain somewhat unchanged. They generally range around this:

Assessment: I tried new things. I still don't have what I want.
Goal: To get what I want.

Obviously, I'm doing something wrong. With such a poor track record, I couldn't convince anyone that I'm a problem-solver. I feel like Rebecca in the Shopaholic series - I'm living under false pretenses. I can't get what I want out of my own life, how can I be expected to help anyone else?

What is it? Is it that I want things but only a certain way? I've read that women over a certain age often don't get married, because their expectations are too high. I'm not sure if my expectations are too high (they vary by day), but I think that my expectations of "how we met" are much too high.

Nowadays, thousands of people meet online, and, in reality, is this any less dangerous, less romantic or less exciting than meeting someone in a bar or in a grocery store. The chances of two people being in the same check-out line are probably as small as those same two people finding each other online.

Here's what I hate about online dating, and why I really don't like it: the blind date aspect. I need to see MANY pictures. This would work better for me, then I know what to expect, I know the face.

Fundamentally, I'm a traditional girl. I'd like to meet someone without the aid of computers, and, eventually, I hope to conceive without the use of test tubes. I will feel like I've failed at love if I need to use a dating service. Until I've completely run out of options, I'm going to live with the waiting and continue to hope that I meet someone in the real world, not the world wide web.

The problem is that I haven't met anyone in whom I had even the slightest interest of dating in over a year(with the possible exception of a WERS anchor in Boston, but I reverted to my high school social skills aka complete silence with that guy). It's not the "dating dead zone." It's worse. I have no crushes. Studies (conducted by me, of course) have shown that I am more productive when I have a crush. I got some of my best grades when I was dating someone. I am better at LIFE when I have a little bit of love, or at least "like" in my life.

So, what comes out of all of this? I don't want to date online. I'm not meeting anyone in the world. I'm still painfully shy when it comes to approaching someone who just might fill that elusive role of boyfriend.

Anyone with suggestions, let me know, please.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JESSICA!!!!!!!!!

(princesses rule)

I had a lovely time in D.C., and I hope that Ms. Irene is feeling back to herself soon (perhaps that trip to NYC will perk her right up).

A'ight. So, I have to get all self-righteous and talk about how proud of myself I am. In the past several months, I have turned down interviews with organizations whom I consider lacking in something (ethics being the number one thing missing). I passed on an internship with Dr. Phil, a position with a charter school organization and a management position with Abercrombie.

While I'll admit to being tempted by the prospect of working for a company with name recognition or a great benefits package, I have to say that, in all honesty, I'd rather work straight retail than sacrifice all of my principles. I didn't agree with the principles, missions, and corporate cultures of the companies I politely declined.

I know that the economy is slow. I know that it's an "employers'" market. I also know that I'm nearly $20,000 in debt (stupid student loans) and would like to get that little problem taken care off in the next couple of years (this will call for FRUGAL living, to say the least). Even considering that I'm living with my parents (an arrangement that works for the most part), I wouldn't sacrifice my values for a shot at a loft in the city...besides, these soulless companies probably wouldn't pay an entry-level snot like me the money I would need, and I'd be right in the same place I am now, minus my principles.

I know I can't eat off principles, but I'm more concerned with eternal salvation than with eating dinner at fancy-schmancy restaurants and buying expensive, uncomfortable shoes.

If I don't have a corporate job, I don't need a corporate wardrobe. So, on top of saving my soul, I also get to wear comfy shoes! :)

Ohhhh, the places we go.

Yesterday, I added a new location to my list of favorite places (touristy stuff). So far, my list goes as follows (in no particular order)

1. Paris - shopping for shoes at the little Italian shoe store in China Town (Eiffel District)
2. San Diego - organ concert
3. Boston - throwing snowballs on the common
4. D.C. - THE LIBRARY OF CONGRESS (this is the new one)
5. Carmel - the "private" beach, watching my dogs frolic in the ocean (well J.J. frolics - and chases a stick frantically, swimming until she can't catch her breath -, and Bailey stands in the shallow water and, literally, rolls his eyes at those of us in deeper water)
6. Any airport runway, as I head towards home

Leavin' on a jet plane...

going to be a tourist and a pal :)

"Don't ask yourself what the world needs; ask yourself what makes you come alive. And then go and do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive."

Harold Whitman

It's COLD!

(in honor of that)

Okay, I just finished reading a book that had lots of English characters. One of the funniest things I garnered from this book is a paraphrased quote, "When it's cold in London, at least the sunshine has the decency to hide behind clouds." That's true. Much of the United States, and California in particular, experiences what I like to call "Fake Sun." We have all the light we can stand but no warmth! Now, I'm not complaining, I don't mind this weather. I just find it interesting. Even after years of living here and dressing early in the morning, I still trust the fake sun and put on a lighter jacket or fewer layers than I might need.

Welcome to Winter (aka Autumn in the rest of the country), the season of the icy cold that adorned itself as sunshine.

Whoohoo, awkward transition sentence...Only children (and other kids who spend a lot of time "in their heads") may exhibit odd social patterns. Do not be alarmed! I know that I, as an only child and a person who spent a great deal of time living out a quaint, charming, fascinating fantasy life, have a tendency to do things differently than others might do. I believe that this comes as a result of seeing certain behaviors (eating, dressing, talking) and adapting as my own with little or no supervision. Now, don't get me wrong, my parents spent PLENTY of time with me, but when I was little, I entertained myself and played by myself. I had friends, but I didn't have siblings or a regular or consistent group of playmates, so I developed my own style, habits and ways.

For example: Directions. I often take some back-ass-wards way to get somewhere. It works for me, based on a convaluted set of reasons in my head, but I can't explain this to anyone. They might just say, "Well, why can't you just go right?" I will respond, "If you go left through the parking lot, count two spaces and turn right, then go up the street, it's much faster." Additionally, I have unique thought patterns. When given an assignment, I decide how to approach it and go about it in my way. Someone might ask, "When will you get to the web document?" I would have to reply, "Soon," because my real response, "I will deal with the web document after I check e-mail, copy another document into a text format, check the database..." might frighten them. I have a pattern. The pattern cannot be disrupted.

Also, I move over to the third lane of the free way when I pass the auto dealerships, the second lane at the mall and the slow/exit lane after the last exit before my house. It's a constant method.

If I think of anything more amusing, I'll let you know. Hopefully, you get my point though, that we only kids often spent time playing house with ourselves as both the mommy and the daddy, so we don't always know how to interact when the actual social situation presents itself.

Maybe that's part of my problem..hey, blogging revelation...I just figured this out. I spent so much time imagining the "daddy," that I don't know how to interact with real life men. If he's not the guy who I created as the appropriate husband to me and father to our Cabbage Patch babies, then I don't know how to talk to him. Plus, I spent a good twelve years scripting his lines. I don't know what to do when he comes up with his own. I don't know what to do when he's real (this explains, in part, why I haven't found him yet).

Hmm.

I feel much better, especially because I figured out that my wildly fluctuating emotions had more to do with the normal cycle of things than with my need for pscyhotherapy - that always makes a girl feel good. Sorry if I, uh..hmm..difficult to apologize for emotions out of my control...urm...sorry if I got upset out of proportion to the situation.

I want to write about a dream I had, because it made me feel very confident in my "over the boys I should be over but keep having dreams about them anyway" recovery process. I had a dream, and in the dream, I noticed that the man I was with was NOT any of the ones I had been with before. In fact, I remember thinking to myself as I stood beside him, my hand engulfed in his, "He's much taller than me. I like that."

The dream had me going out on the town with my boyfriend. We went to dinner at a fancy restaurant with "couple" friends of ours. I sat next to my man, and he ordered things off the menu, telling me that I needed to try them - not insisting that I'd like them - just saying that I should try them. I did. I liked some, not others. We had a fun time talking with our friends, and I remember feeling good about this man and this relationship. It was a real relationship, not a dream scenario with perfect lines and too-perfect moments. In other dreams, I have acted happy with the man while knowing on the inside that I didn't want to be with him. In this dream, I was comfortable and happy with the man and felt at peace with what we had. It was new-ish but a definite relationship.

I don't know if my dreams are maturing or if I'm getting closer to what I want (I know what Mama would say), but either way, I enjoyed the dream.

Hmm...Monica and I need to talk more. Whenever we talk or e-mail or whatever, it turns out we are going through the same things (almost exactly). Nearly once a month, I realize again why we're friends and why we will always remain so. Thank you, God, for friends like this!