I miss Europe. Okay, I've thought it all out, and what I miss most about our 3 amazing weeks abroad is the way that I was able to simply LET GO of all the stuff that's been bothering me. I simply lived in the moment, taking in the scenery, the culture, the museums - just being a tourist. I didn't stress out overmuch. I knew that if the tube closed in London, we could catch a mini-cab. I knew that if we missed the direct train to Lourdes, there was another, more complicated way to get there - but we'd still get there. The simple tasks of carrying luggage, keeping track of passports and remembering to buy food BEFORE getting on the train took my mind away from the daily problems I face in the states. I loved it over there. I loved taking pictures and following maps. I loved exploring and learning new things.

I want to go back. But I what I really want is to recapture that feeling of enjoyment. I want to take great pleasure in everyday instead of stressing about my little daily routines and my life-decisions. I don't want to be afraid anymore.

Also, I miss the hustle and bustle of London. It had the atmosphere of a Hollywood Movie lot (for me). The buildings hardly looked real. In this GIANT city, the buildings were hardly ever over 4 stories. The streets were smaller. The houses were side by side with grocery stores and bookstores (seriously, there was a Boots - similar to Hawaii's ABC chain - and at least one bookstore on every block). Riding the tube from place to place was exciting, despite all the stairs, and quite effecient. We got exactly where we needed to be in a limited amount of time. Trains in most directions came about once every 5 minutes. Not like BART, where I've been known to wait over 20 minutes for a train heading towards Berkeley.

Certainly, I'm a California Girl, but I really liked, nay, loved, London. I miss the feeling of being in that place, and I miss the way I felt there. France was incredible in it's own right, but the language barrier (given my somewhat limited French) contributes to making London my "wanna see it again" place. Although, I must say, that if I were to meet some rich man who would lovingly take me to Paris, I could probably stand to see it again - but on foot in the rain, it didn't hold too many charms. The sunshine in the quaint opera district was much better than the rain in Monte Marte.... in any case, I was only there 3 weeks, and I've been back over 2 months, and I'm still going through withdrawals.

What can I do to recapture the way I felt in Europe, while trying to make my dreams come true in California?

What's with all the weird dreams lately? I can't even begin to try to work through the dreams I've been having. They either involve babies, husbands or strange boys who REALLY don't belong in my head. In one dream, one of my mom's friends (who happens to be the mother of this boy) told me to go give him, and I quote, "A Big Catholic Hug." I don't know what that means. I think that my mind is making up new vocabulary..from One Life Line to Big Catholic Hug. I don't know what's coming up next.

I think anyone who knows me knows that at some point in my life, and even now, I thought that this guy was, yes, an attractive human being. And assuming he's grown out of a certain "being-mean to girls" phase, he's probably even more attractive on the inside. But does any of that matter to me? No. SO WHY WAS I DATING HIM IN MY DREAM? Or more to the point, why were we sort of dating but mostly, why was his mother telling ME (not him) to go do stuff with him....hmmmm.

In other news, it's three days in, and I still like my job. This is a good thing.

I have a daily Yiddish Calendar...it's supposed to teach me a word or phrase everyday. Here's the one for yesterday: Tachlis. The sentence: You need to find your tachlis to really be happy in life. Tachlis (TAKH-lis) - Achievement, purpose. That's what I've been working on since May (well, really since about two years ago when I suddenly started to freak out, because I didn't have a plan). Honestly, I'm searching for meaning in work, and I'm not sure that I'll find it there. You know those movies where a woman has a baby, and once she's all cleaned up and looking all "glowing" in her (private) hospital room, the nurse brings in the baby, and the woman holds the baby and says, "This is what I'm here for." Yeah, I have a feeling that will be me. I just don't know how to get there.
I know that I talk about this stuff a lot - my mom even said yesterday, "do we have to talk about this everyday?" Well, no. But I think about it everyday...drive myself crazy thinking about it everyday...This is part of what I miss about college, having people around who don't mind just bs-ing about the same old stuff for hours on end. Now, I just feel like I'm annoying people if I talk about my problems. I guess I'll become another typical American, or actually, European (now that I think about it...), and keep all my problems inside until I develop an ulcer. It seems to work for the rest of my crazy family.
Meanwhile, I had this crazy dream. I won't go into detail, but suffice it to say it was like the end of the world or something, and my husband (!) and I decided, without really having to think about it, that we would get off of this weird train that was driving through the world touring the mass destruction (small pox, people being chased by dogs, etc) in order to find out two children (one boy, one girl). Once off, the train conductor, a freak named "god" (but it wasn't really, of course) told us that he was willing to sacrifice us, because we were only "one lifeline." Anyway... who knows what that one means!

First day of "real work." I had fun running around the room after 12 and 13 year olds. They're funny. Really. They think they're grown, but they listen to me, because I'm an "adult." They're just starting to question authority, and they don't do it very often, and they don't do it very well. By the end of the year, it might be a little bit harder to beat them (in a "discussion"). Still, this work is MUCH more satisfying than working in an office typing labels. I like it :).

p.s. i miss my gilmore buddy...

My new role in life seems to be as a younger, smarter, uh, clumsier Martha Stewart. Okay, so I won't go into insider trading - promise! - but I have developed a new love for crafting. I won't give away any secrets of what I've made, b/c many (or some) of those items will soon become Christmas Gifts - don't worry, they've been made with certain people in mind...I'm not just giving away popsicle sticks w/some glitter and glue thrown on top.

In any case, I'm having fun picking out material, paint and other fun stuff. I also greatly enjoy just taking out some material and a box and seeing what I can do. Yesterday, I made the coolest thing!! I'll tell you about it, b/c it's very exciting. You see, I had like 6 folders just stacked haphazardly under my desk - they looked terrible - and anyone who knows me knows that I like things to be neat (haha and preferably in alphabetical order). So, I took a box, covered it in material, put velcro on the flappy things that close it, and voila, a fancy holder for my tacky little folders. I even glued memorabilia all over the box (well, not gaudy all over, but enough). It looks neat and orderly and just a little bit off-center...considering the things I glued onto the box. Still, it expresses my personality and allowed me to use stuff I already had. Amazing how creative I've become since having no money...

I feel guilty pursuing my own dreams. That's what I've come to figure. It's actually two-fold, I'm both too lazy and too riddled with guilt (that I put on myself) to go out and get what I want. I want to act. I want to write. I. I. I. I. Sometimes I hear that word so often that it comes to me that I should do something else. So, the next step is: what to do? So, I start thinking about being a counselor, a psychologist, a teacher. Because those things involve giving of myself. Those are noble professions. But do I want to do those things? Does everyone go through this at this age? I have a feeling that they do. At some point, I'm going to have to leave this town and start making a life for myself.

When a boy was breaking up with me last January, he told me that he'd be in the UK in 5 months, and I'd still be in my town. The way he said that just broke my heart. He so clearly looked down on me and my town...even though we both went to the same REALLY GOOD school and were both successful academically. He couldn't get over the fact that (at the time), I lived in a small house with one neighbor's yard (yes yard) full of cars and the other neighbor's house home to a convicted felon. This didn't sit well with the rich boy, and he ran (well, metaphorically). The truth is, though, as offended as I was by the "you'll STILL be in..." part of the comment, I don't want to still be here. I've started my new job, and I work with the natives of this community, something I've never done before, having gone to school out of the area. I don't want to work with these people for the rest of my life, and the possibility frightens me to no end. I can't tell you how scared I am of being stuck here, with no friends, no husband, no life. I've become one of the elite, academically speaking, and I no longer know how to interact with those who aren't in college, didn't go to college and have no plans of going to college. I've returned to the age-old problem of not-fitting in, but this time, I don't want to fit in. I miss my friends.

I want to be the one to save the world. That's really all there is to it, quite frankly. I hate that other people can solve problems. I WANT TO DO IT. I want to make my friend feel better. I want to help my mom when she's sick. I want to make it so that people aren't mean to each other. Sometimes I manage. Sometimes I alienate people. More often, though, I humiliate myself just a little bit. I'm willing to live with that.

Still, because I feel responsible for the whole world, I feel quite guilty when I'm unable to fix something, solve a problem, visit a friend in need, whatever. I want to be one of those people who can do for everyone else and kind of forget about themselves. BUT that's not healthy.

First of all, A's games are a lot of fun!! The seats (cheap ones, too!) were really good - right on the first base line. The players were great (Eric Chavez, yeah.) - not just like that...they can play, too!! We went to Saturday's game - wow 1-0 in 2.5 hours..AND the pitchers pitched the whole game..darn good. I love my Giants, but I'm learning to appreciate those cross-bay players.

On to the latest - The doctor, of all people, basically told me to get a life! I went with my mom to her doctor's appointment (as moral support), and the doctor said that she wants to make sure that I get out enough and that I'm living my own life..she wants me to "feel free to do whatever I want." She wants me to "be young." Alright. Alright. She said that wants to make sure that I don't pass on relationships b/c I feel guilty...or have the need to take care of my mom. I don't, honest.

Still, last night, I had this CRAZY dream. I was dating this guy and had just broken up with him. Then, I thought about what the doctor had said and realized that I was totally in love with this guy but was just too afraid to change my life. I was afraid of the unknown and didn't want to enter it with him. So, I called him up and left a message on his cell phone voice mail (now even my dreams are with the technology) telling him how much I loved him (!). He called back and left a message on my cell phone, saying that he loved me too, then he started talking in punjabi or something..that I can't explain. In any case, I realized my love and was able to get over my fears...blahblahblah. Not bad for a dream. It wasn't all foggy either, with him sweeping me off my feet and onto a waiting white stallion. We didn't ride off into the sunset, both of us in flowy white garments and bare feet. Nah, if I remember correctly, I was standing in Burger King when I called him...

So, was this for real? No. I think that it was just one of those little reminders that I've got to get over myself and my fears before I'll be able to be "loved as to love with all my soul."

Alos, I dreamt that the Kishis were in my second grade class but I didn't remember them. So, (in the dream) I looked in my yearbook from that year and found that, indeed, they were in my class. Weird.

Okay, so I decided not to get my belly button pierced...I was getting it for all the wrong reasons (to make me feel sexier, a little edgier..whatever) - what I really figured out is that I don't need a metal rod poking through my belly button to make me feel good about myself. Plus, I don't want to spent $60 bucks on it! I mean, come on!! I'm edgy enough in my own little way, I suppose. I mean, I do listen to Green Day, you know.

My last day as a temp was today. I didn't know until yesterday that it would be so. Apparently bosses don't like it when you tell them that you may or may not be there the next week and so decide to pre-emptively avoid being without an employee and go ahead and make the decision for you. That's okay. I don't have to get up at 6:30 a.m. on Monday!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA (crazed, delirious grin). I'm a bit delirious, in need of sleep from all of this early rising. I swear, I thought I would never make it to the freeway this morning. My windows were covered in dew and dirty. Not to mention the fact that the way out of my neighborhood is to get onto a busy road from just a little stop sign from a side street. Oh, and did I mention that at that hour of the morning, the sun shines directly at my eye level from the stop sign...so I couldn't see out my windows, and even if I could have, the sun was in my eyes!! Eventually, I rolled down the passenger side window and was able to see that no cars were coming (it took a while due to the sleep residue in my brain). Still, it's things like this that I won't miss!

It was nice though, my co-workers and I went to get ice cream, and one co-worker had a free coupon and used it to get my ice cream....a nice treat! And yummy!!! Raspberry Ice Cream (NOT SORBET) with raspberries...mmmm It was a delicious afternoon snack on a hot Friday in Northern California. It was a nice way to end my 3 week career.

Alright everyone, have a great weekend! GO GIANTS (especially #'s 6 and 52..mmmhmmm...yeah)!! GO A'S!!

Today, I had work to do, so it took me a little bit longer to get on the Blog. Nothing special to report. I did have a bit of a mini-spaz attack yesterday, but suffice it to say, that it all came down to one small point: how come SHE has a boyfriend and I don't? I don't know who she is...it's just that proverbial girl who has a boyfriend and, by all outside appearances, seems to be in a happy relationship. Certainly, there are things that require my attention...one of which is that I need to actually put myself in a place where I can meet someone. I'm working on that.

I have had mini-relationships. Have I talked about this before? They've been those ones that move really quickly in the first three (or should I say, only three...) weeks, and I feel like I've got a boyfriend. Then, suddenly, it's all too much, or he stops calling or whatever, but the relationship ends. And I can't seem to get past that point, whether it be the 4th date or the second kiss...I just can't go there. Honestly, it's more often me who leaves once a relationship gets sort of started. The guys tend to back out way before the thought of going on anything as official as a "date" enters the world. Maybe I need therapy, or maybe this whole blog thing is therapy.

Okay, ENOUGH about boys. I honestly don't think about them THIS much...it's just when I start to write a journal entry, that's the thing that bothers me the most. I just don't have ANY patience when it comes to this sort of thing.

On to something a little more, uhm, substantial. I'm going to be walking w/my 'rents in the City of Hope walk for a cure (for Breast Cancer) on October 5.

I don't quite know how to honor September 11. So, I decided that I'll do what I did last year, when the WTC attacks had just happened, I'll check in and make sure you and your family/friends are all okay. Here goes:

How are you? Are you and your family okay? It's been a year since the terrible tragedies in NYC, Pennsylvania and D.C., and we've all been through a lot since then. Graduations, first and second and (for some of us) last formals...all the silly stuff and all the really meaningful stuff. I know that I've truly come to appreciate your friendship, love and support, and all I really want to say (to make a short story long) is:

Hello. I'm thinking about you.

Wow. So I somehow managed to go 6 whole days without posting. To those of you who read this thing to get some sort of information about me from it, I apologize for the lapse in time. Things had to settle down at work, before I realized that I have extraordinary amounts of free time. I think that's only because I'm a temp. Other temps have told me that they usually end up with the same situation, because no one wants to assign long term projects...makes sense. But, this numbness in my brain (not to mention rear end) has certainly prompted me to look for "real," or at least work that I like. I don't mind this, honest...okay, I do. My brain just feels unused, and I'm afraid that it might shrivel up and die if I don't give it some exercise.

Okay, the last few weeks, I've been angry, stressed, pissed off at the world, irritated with family and friends....and I wish that I could say that's all over. Well, I can't. That's just a part of who I am. BUT, the good news is that I no longer feel quite so angry, stressed, pissed off at the world and irritated with family and friends. For now. So, I'm sane enough to apologize for being a little snappy the past few weeks. Be happy with that. I know I am. :)

On a bright spot - the GIANTS, my boys...ahhh, beat the D-Backs last night!! Now we're only 1 game back from L.A. (beat L.A.) and 5.5 back from the D-backs - not too shabby boys, keep up the good work!! And, oh, yeeaaahhhh.....BILL MUELLER'S BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Whoo hooo!!!! (Yes, I am a bit obsessed with my Giants).

That's all for now - I think that I might actually have some work to do!! YEAAAHHHH!! (I'm serious about being happy about this!!).

Weekends are for family and friends. Weekends are not for e-mail. Okay, that's just my little world these days. I've found, yes after just one week of work, that weekends are so amazing! I got a lot done and really enjoyed the lack of a time schedule. Of course, here I am, at work, posting this blog. I know I shouldn't be online, but my boss told me to go check my e-mail! This counts :).

We watched Moulin Rouge yesterday. It's the second time that I've seen it. I came to the conclusion (once again) that the whole point of this life is to learn how to love. It doesn't matter what I do for a living (although it should be something that helps people), so I can stop STRESSING about that and just pick something I like. All I have to do is love. I'm working on that. I love the people in my life already, and I will learn to love a boyfriend/husband, etc. when I have the chance.

Anyway, I should get back to work. I've just come to some conclusions that should ease this aching in my head....