My mom hit it on the nail today. I won't be happy until I have that one thing that I crave the most: love. Certainly, I have friendship love and family love, and all of it means more than the world to me. But what I want, have always wanted, is that true and complete love between a man and a woman. It's like those women who have the entire world at their feet, but they don't have a child. I am certainly grateful for what I do have, but there is still something missing - it's that old hole in my heart, that only "he" can fill. Now, I just have to find him. Sounds simple - wish it was.

Today, work was better. I got to go to a meeting and take notes. It was actually fun, b/c I got to defend a sorority girl (she had to do rush stuff and so might miss a meeting...I explained about how serious rush is), haha. Also, it made me miss Nick Short - never thought I'd say THAT! This one guy kept asking questions and having attitude, just like my little alcoholic co-worker...ahhh. Anyway, I realized that I need a job with a bit more intellectual stimuation - I really liked working as a Senior Tutor, and I need to find a career like that. Honestly, I've been considering teaching as a career....my goals are taking shape!

Love goes out to Irene whose sister left for grad school - all the way in frigging NEW YORK! I love ya, Irene, and you'll make it. Take what she's taught you and keep putting it into practice. That, and get her to start using im!! Also, you've got a lot of people in Cali who love you and are perfectly willing to give you lots of free advice (I know it's not the same...).

Anyway, I'm tired. I give this advice: Avoid working full time, if at all possible.

Peace.

Okay, so temp work is not exactly the most exciting thing in the world, but I like it well enough! Heck, they're paying me enough that I can be a little bored. Hmm, I really like the city where I work. I think that, if given the chance, I would move there at some point - of course, I've said that about a lot of places!

Dinner with my friend was GREAT. We talked for 3 hours! I'm really glad that we're capable of having a real conversation without a "buffer" friend. Also, it wasn't awkward at all - we seem to have settled into the fact that we're not 16 anymore, and we can talk about different things and different concerns than those we had at that age.

A quick note on American Idol. I am officially a Kelly fan - I would totally buy her cd. As for those other two - come on? And you picked them over Tamyra?? What's up America? Justin can carry a tune, but that's it. His entire range is FLAT and MONOTONE. I don't know why Simon gave him a complement tonight...did he just get tired of being honest? If Justin wins, I will boycott FOX (not that I watch it all that much anyway..). If Nikki wins, I would probably still boycott, b/c that girl has a good voice for about 1/4 of the songs she sings - note: I cannot sing that well, but I know that I could peform better than Nikki!! Also, who says that Justin is cute? My theory: he's gay, but he doesn't want to tell the public, b/c he's afraid that he'll lose friends. Of course, I could be wrong...still, I don't trust that lounge lizard. Okay, that's all. Thanks for reading.

I drove around the city where I'll be working. It also happens to be the city where one of my best friends in all the world goes to school. We're having dinner tomorrow - it's the first time that the two of us have had a meal alone together. I've met each of my other friends without the presence of others in our group, but I've never gone anywhere alone with him. There might be some kind of tension between us, and that it might be awkward for us to have dinner together, just the two of us. In any case, I'm looking forward to meeting my (temporary) new co-workers and having lunch with one of my best friends. G'night.

Okay, writing early today. I MIGHT start a job tomorrow, so I want to make sure to get to bed early. It will certainly be strange having to get into a regular sleeping/waking routine - especially one so similar to what I used in high school.... oh well, at least they'll be PAYING me this time. haha.

So, I have officially decided that I want and am ready for a boyfriend. I used to whine about not having one, then I almost had several (not at the same time). Finally, I figured out that I really close myself off from the affection I crave the most. Certainly, I know what I want, and if after 3 weeks, I know I'm not going to get it - so be it - move on. Still, there are some situations (jerk 2 and the coward, to name a couple) that I could have handled better.

Step 1: Get a date. Okay, so I have a crush on the guy at the gym. His name is Matthew; he's got dark hair and dark eyes and a little goatee that I actually find kind of sexy (not at all like you know who's)...but he has a lisp. I'm okay with that. Honest. In any case, I think he's really cute, and I'd like to start talking to him and getting to know him. Problem: He hasn't been there the last 4 times I've gone (yes, I've started to keep track of this). He's an employee there, so he could certainly have quit, or worse: MOVED AWAY. Aggh. Luckily, I have no particular attachment to Matthew, so now would be the perfect time to develop another crush.

Problem: I cannot flirt to save my life. I've flirted when the situation suited it, like in a blind date situation, but never just for the sake of trying to get some guy's number or get him to ask for mine. I have finally managed to get myself to dress nicely when I go out, but I still cannot make eye contact. I also have this tendency to hide behind my mom when there's a cute guy. It's really something I have to work on. At the very least, I'm lucky that I'm realizing all of this stuff now and coming to terms with it.

Solution: GET OVER IT. START FLIRTING. I need to go out to a club w/my best girl friends and (without any expectations) start flirting. I'd probably do better if we went to a local park where singles hang out and, instead of just checking out the guys, actually talk to them (any takers??).

Tomorrow (or tuesday) is the first day of my new life as an employee. Perhaps it will be the first day of the new, flirtatious (but NOT at work) me... We'll see. And I'll keep you posted!

Today was actually pretty darn fantastic! With the exception of my mom not feeling well (poor Mama), everyone in the family had a good day. I got to spend the day one-on-one with my fab cousin, Shawn. Granted, I worry and feel competitive when we've got all the family together and the parents are bragging and the grandparents are asking questions, but one-on-one, I feel no need to live up to anybody's expectations. We had a good talk, and we had fun shopping (buffalo exchange, who knew?), model homing (soooo much fun) and having lunch. It's so strange though seeing her so grown up - I keep reminding myself that I've changed, so of course she has...but she's 5 years younger than me, and I have a tendency to remember her as about age 12 (that's around when we stopped spending entire summers hanging out and watching VH-1/MTV). Still, it's great to have a family member who I can talk to - I just have to remember, too, that she's NOT my friend and NOT my age - so I have to be careful what I say and not lay anything too heavy on her. In any case, it was much fun, and I look forward to hanging out again sometime - even if that's not for several months!

One more question: where'd the summer go?? It's SOO cold now - let's hope I have someone to keep me warm this winter (grin). g'night

Tired. I'm tired. Maybe I'm coming down with something. I went to Davis for job training - had to get up at 6:50 a.m.!! - then I conked out around 4:30...I should take a day off and recover - I mean, what if I have to start working next week?

I don't have a whole lot to say (amazingly enough). Lately, I feel like I've been wandering around in a haze, feeling like doing nothing more than reading and sleeping. I don't think it's depression. It's just the "blahs." Plus, it's hard for me to stay in contact with friends from school. I'm not used to having to make such a big effort to see people - I don't mind it, honestly, I love these people! But, it's hard on the body! I'm not used to all the driving, and, quite honestly, I'm not used to people actually WANTING to hang out with me. With my best friends from high school, I'm the one who initiates everything - organizing the get togethers, etc. These friends contact ME! It's really hard to say no. I can't help it - I'm still in a bit of shock that people actually want to be friends with me at all. I don't know what caused it exactly, but I've got a bad self image (not too good for the dating scene, where number one on most guys' lists is the phrase "she must have self-confidence") and can't seem to get rid of it. I'm not smart enough. I'm not pretty enough. I'm not living up to my potential as the "cream of the crop" (as high school teachers tended to call we honors kids). Anywho, that's my problem today...I'm just not good enough.

Maybe I'll feel better after some sleep.

Back to Berkeley today!! I can't believe how different and how the same it feels...strange! I walked around the house w/Irene and Marie, and people greated us - I think that they thought we hadn't graduated but just moved out - weird. I don't quite know how to handle it. Anyway, I'll be up there like 2 more times this week, anyway.

I talked to Monica - my best friend in the whole wide world - it's an official title. She is experiencing public schooling administration for the first time. She's a grad student at a state school, and she's come head to head with government politics - okay, go turn in this form to that building but first have it signed by someone all the way on the other side of campus - priceless. Well, she's learning.

Another grand event today was just hanging out with Marie and Irene. I miss them both, and it's great to see them and talk! It's great having college friends who pretty much know me as well as my closest friends but also know things that my best friends don't know, or wouldn't really get - guess it's a sorority thang.

Alright, I have to be out of the house by 7:30 a.m. tomorrow! Ayeayeaye. Good night!

I am not nearly as perky as I was last night, and I can't tell you why! I just don't know. In any case, today was a good day, although hot, and tomorrow should be a good one as well...although probably also hot!

Okay, my discussion topic for tonight is this: American Idol. I was a little late to the party and only started watching like 2 weeks ago, so pardon if I step on anyone's toes. First, why does everyone HATE Simon so very much? He might have been bad in the beginning (okay, I saw one episode in June), but to me, it just seems like he's being honest. Second, does no one else realize that Justin cannot sing??? Oh, and: sex idol? Are you kidding me??? He can dance, sure, but he just does not light my fire, if you know what I mean!! Third, Kelly should win.

NEXT! Okay, Tobey Maguire as the new Josh Hartnett? no.

Yes, I live in a world full of entertainment gossip, and I really need to get a life of my own. My life, though, requires work. I can read People without much effort! Alright, here's a topic about my life. Anyone who knows me knows about the boy who made my life oh-so-miserable in the 8th grade. Now, GET THIS, his mother thinks we should get together! She told my mom on two separate occassions that this boy and I are JUST RIGHT for each other - just right in what sense? He was mean to me, and I hated myself for a long time afterwards? Uh, he ragged on me every day, and I didn't just sit there and take it? I stood up for myself? Is that why I'm right for him? I'll grant her this, he was cute back then, and I had a bit of a crush on him (although I'll deny it, even though it's written here), but I haven't seen him in a while, and the last time I saw him, okay, he was still cute. But the last time I saw him, I was having my revenge - his brother's wedding...I looked good! It took me a long time to be able to even conceive of the fact that I COULD look good...but I know I pulled it off, and I'm grateful. Not that I would consider getting with him, but if I did, I would always wonder if he still thought those awful things that he thought oh so many years ago...plus, he's a year younger than me...

good night to all!

yikes - almost forgot to update today! Okay, well, I got to have lunch with my best berkeley friend, Jessica! Yeahhhhh dim-sum! It was quite yummy, and I love just hanging out and chatting w/Jessica. She knows about all - or most - of my baggage, and we can just catch up without the other really judging us. It's a relationship that works. She does try to give me advice here and there (my favorite is her telling me that I can't date a guy w/piercings or tattoos - I don't even know any guys like that...plus, who I date isn't really up to her, but I appreciate her concern, just the same), and I listen and give her advice, then we both go on with our lives. Sometimes we take the advice, but if we don't, it's okay!

After the 2 hour drive back from Berkeley (dang Bay Area traffic), I got to play WITH A BABY! It's the best thing! Little baby Alex smells just like a baby, and he's a total guy already! He's gonna be a lady killer that one - he's got these piercing blue eyes and a really unique, adorable face, not just "baby face" (you know, the little face that so many babies seem to have), plus he knows how to melt a girl's heart, and he touches boobies - haha, he got to second with me, and he's only 6 months old, j/k. Anyway, it was a pleasure to play with a baby. This kid doesn't really cry, he just sort of whines. Then, whoever is around (his grandma, one of my mom's best friends, in this case) figures out what he wants and gives it to him. He got played with, changed, fed and burped. He was a happy kid. I played with him and made him laugh - that made me smile! In any case, I'm looking forward to when I can try to have a child of my own and to when my friends start having kids, even if that doesn't happen for a few years.

Speaking of babies and guys and whatnot, does anyone know how to get me on Meet My Folks? I wanna be the girl who has the three guys for her parents to choose from...

Alright, I'm supposed to be doing grad school research...better get to it!

tired, oh so very tired. I spent the day at the beach with the parents and the dogs...that basically means that we drove (well, I read/slept on the backseat...) for 7 hours total and spent about 1.5 hours on the beach - that's the way to do it babee! I love the beach, and I love going to the beach with my dogs - amazing. My parents claim that it was freezing, but I enjoyed lounging on the blanket in my two piece. Don't forget, I also took a rock hike with my dad - we climb the rocks at the end of the beach and scrounge around for shells - tradition, and a darn good one!

after reading irene's blog, i realized that i miss the bonding that goes into pre-rush (or pre-recruitment, or whatever they're calling it now) - the bits where you remember why you're in a sorority and suddenly make new friends, thinking, "why wasn't I friends with you before??" oh well... i'm glad, too, that i didn't have to pack up all my stuff and say goodbye, like i've done for the past 4 years. i get to stay home for a while.

still, i get to feeling lonely - doesn't everyone? Simon and Garfunkel were singing "and a rock feels no pain, and an island never cries," and I got to thinking - do I set myself apart from the rest of the world on purpose? Well, if I don't do that, I've at least checked out from the rest of the world for the past few weeks. Since we got back from Europe, I've been kind of spacy - I'm in this weird transition phase, between getting a job (any day now - something I dread and desire) and just graduating... I don't know what comes next, and that REALLY FREAKS ME OUT.

i've always known what comes next, and this time, I DON'T. I have all the control and no control. I have complete freedom and no freedom. I can go anywhere in the world, but I don't know how to get there.

thank you and good night.

John Mayer was lovely...in a phrase: damn baby, you frustrate me!! Other than the fact that he seriously thought he was in San Francisco, rather than where he actually was - Berkeley, the concert was grand! I got to gab with my kindred spirit, talk about the cute, and not so cute, guys in the crowd. Together, we were grossed out by P.D.A.s. My friend says that they only gross her out when "the don't involve" her. I would have to agree. I wouldn't mind cuddling with my boyfriend under a blanket of stars as we listen to great music. When I see other couples doing that, it only reminds me of what I don't have, and I am, once again, jealous.

My mom says that she used to wonder why I don't have a boyfriend. She said, "You're pretty, you're smart - what's the matter with guys?" Then, when she saw me with a guy who actually liked me, and when she watched as I ended the relationship 3 weeks in, she said, "Now, I know why you don't have a boyfriend. You don't want one." It's kind of true. I certainly want a boyfriend, but I also want a boyfriend who I like as much as he likes me. This guy had me up on a pedestal, and I felt myself about to crash down - that coupled with the fact that he was kind of loud and obnoxious sort of cemented the decision. I just stopped liking him.

Okay, new subject: Have you ever seen one of those short guys who still take up a lot of space? I used to go out with one of those, and it really bothered me. He was only 2 inches taller than me - and probably didn't weigh that much more than me - but he took up like 1.5 seats on BART. He would spread his legs out really wide and move his arms around, all acting like he actually needed that much room - is it a short man's complex, or did he actually think that he needed that much room? It seems like he just pretended like he actually needed that much room so that he could forget that he is actually pretty darn small.

Oh - and I got along fine with my cousin. I didn't feel inadequate or stupid around her, as I tend to do sometimes. She is still with the boyfriend (four months - wow...), and she got a C in Chemistry. Like I said before, we all have our own problems!

First, the GREAT NEWS....I GET TO SEE JOHN MAYER (aka, my secret LOVAH) tonight. Although, I have heard this nasty little rumor that he's going out with Jennifer Love Hewitt - no comment. That's okay, I'll wow Mr. Mayer with my attentive gaze and with, well, ME. haha.

The real problem, though, is that I can't seem to get over the need to have the approval of my 16 year old cousin. Over the past couple of years she has become what I have never been: cool. I'm over the need to be cool, myself, but I still need her approval. I want her to look up to me rather than feel sorry for me. I need her to know that I have friends. I have a life. I like the life I have! She's 16, has (or at least had the last time I knew) a boyfriend and also seems to be flunking high school chemistry. She's got her own problems, I suppose. I'm the "smart one" in the family, I suppose, but that always seemed tantamount to being "the ugly one," even though I'm not ugly. Oy-vey!

She's coming over tomorrow with her family, and I have already started to worry about what I'll wear and what I'll say. I've started calculating all my ex-es (or whatever they are), hoping that my "experience" will count for something. I need her approval, because I lost it rather suddenly about 2 years ago, when she got skinny. I worried about her quick weight loss, while everyone else told her how great she looked. Once she got thin, she got new friends and a new life - I'm glad that she doesn't get teased about her weight anymore (no kid should have to go through that!), but I also miss her personality. I remember the time she wrote me a letter asking me to call or write her ex-best friend, because said friend had really hurt her. She wanted me to defend her. Now, she wants nothing to do with me. Interesting.

Moral of the story: It's my problem, not hers, and I guess I just have to let her grow up. Hopefully, in a few years, she'll realize how valuable her family is, and maybe she'll come looking for advice. Even if she does think I'm a big dork...

Alright, I'm starting one of these things, because one of my favorite people in the world has one...and I think I should, too! I'm worth it!