HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!!!!!!

Let's all get high on CANDY!!!
Okay!!!!!

MOMMY HAS A NEW COMPUTER!!!!!!!!!

this is a VERY good thing..considering that she has almost thrown the other one out the window at least 12 times in the last week...bad...very bad.

"There's something familiar abut despair; it's like a soft old blanket. I know depression; I feel welcome there. To believe that my life may be full of joy, laughter, and understanding fills me with so much fear of disappointment that I would prefer to smoke a cigarette and not believe it at all. I either want everything to be magic and mythic or I want to be dead. But I can't take the everyday living with small disappointments and fragile victories, the grayness of maybe-it'll-work-out and maybe-it-won't. I always feel the end is right around the corner, so why even try?" - Christy Walker - (a character in Ethan Hawke's novel Ash Wednesday).

Not only is Ethan Hawke quite the attractive man (lucky Uma!!), but he's got a brain in there, too. His second book, which I just finished reading in a mad rush to finish the last 100 pages in about an hour - it's just that good - actually makes me feel better about my own life. I've started to get over the fact that in order to feel better, I'll actually have to DO something about it. So, I started DOING something. I put in a letter of resignation at a job that makes me feel worse everyday. I started applying for writing jobs, and I requested a whole bunch of applications for journalism schools. Still wondering why Ethan Hawke's book made me feel better? It made me feel better, because it made me realize (again, for like the 100th time...I'm a little dense, honestly) that a lot of people are dissatisifed with their lives, and a whole lot more people simply feel incapable of attaining happiness. Really, I think that's it for me. I don't know if I CAN be happy, and that's what depresses more than anything else. Also, I know what would make me happy (if I can be happy), and I'm afraid to out and get it - not to mention just a bit clueless as to where to begin. I want a great boyfriend (eventually husband and kids, please, pretty please!!) and a job I love. To me, that's like the homeless guy saying that all he needs is a million dollars, and then he'll be happy. Where does that guy start? Where do I start? That was my thinking about a week ago. After much jabbering on to my mom, best friend and others, I've stopped wallowing and have started doing the research. The next problem, let's hope, will be deciding which school to attend out of the dozens that accept me...nay, that beg for me to attend!!

Did you ever wonder what happens to cheerleaders after high school? I think I found them...or at least some of them. They moved to Walnut Creek to make new cheerleaders and a few football players, all of whom will look down on our children and treat them like dirt.

I realized this as I was standing at the Ecco display in Macy's Women's Shoes, observing the wealthy (obviously) women and their daughters. I have this to say as well: they give white people a bad name.

Kay, that's all


GO GIANTS GO GIANTS GO GIANTS GO GIANTS!! HMMMM BABEEE

This is why I do not make decisions right away. I have a rule - wait 24 hours before going ahead with a major decision. I thought I wanted to get with this guy...I didn't make any official decisions. I simply did my research (talked to a friend) and thought about things. I thought about the REAL reasons why I didn't go ahead with a relationship last May, when we were sort-of "dating." I thought about how he'll get a joke or how we'll connect on one point and then TOTALLY miss on something else. I realized that we just don't understand each other all that well and probably never will. Also, I'm at a point in my life where I want to get married - every date is a potential mate. I know that I don't want to marry him, so why should I go out with him...the relationship wouldn't lead anywhere, and I wouldn't be into the relationship, knowing that I would never marry him. I want a real connection with someone...and I can tell pretty early on whether or not that's going to happen. It just won't happen with him. The moral of the story is: I'm glad that I didn't rush into telling him that I like him or something crazy like that. I'm satisfied with my decision, and I'm moving on with my silly little life.

Have you ever had that sharp pain in your chest after someone has said something hurtful? or after you realize you want something you probably can't have? I hate that feeling.

It's that feeling of wanting to cry so badly but I can't, because I'm surrounded by people who wouldn't understand why I'm crying. To be perfectly honest, I'm not sure I would understand.

I'm back in the position of liking a guy who really doesn't fit in with the picture I have of my life...mostly b/c he's just, well, not my race. I NEVER thought that I would have that problem...but it does bother me. I have to get over it. I have to get over it. I'm totally cheating myself out of happiness if I let him get away again....

At dinner the other night we had one of those moments that you can get in a big crowd...you know, when you really connect with someone else? I knew him before, we kind of went out, were mostly friends...etc., but I hadn't seen him since graduation. He was at a dinner party for one of our mutual friends (I have more claim..she's my lil sis in my sorority) and wound up sitting across from each other. He was talking about a movie with Sarah Jessica Parker, and no one else knew what it was...I remembered the movie...after that, no one had even heard of the movie. Only the two of us, in this whole long table knew what we were talking about it...it was a dumb little thing, but it was a good thing. After dinner, though, he said something really pissy and stupid...and I felt like crying. That's when I realized that I like him (if something he says can hurt me that much), and the fact that I was so hurt also reminded me how unbelievably tired I was, and so I decided to go home. Now I'm in sort of a weird mood..I think I've found a way be happy, but a) I don't really know how to get myself there and b) I'm not sure I want to go there.

What's wrong with me?? If something good doesn't fit my little picture of the future, I'm willing to sacrifice my happiness? That doesn't seem right.... I'm confused. And lonely.

Let's just hope the GIANTS win tonight!!

working on the lock-in until 10:45 last night. It's tonight. 7 p.m. until 8 a.m...that's my work schedule. Fun, huh?
No, seriously, I think I'll enjoy it - I love working w/kids...and I'll not have a dull moment!!

According to my horoscope, if I entertain, I'll find romance...I suppose I should get right on that and plan a big party..I wonder - could I just be an entertaining person, which, of course, I am, or do I have to physically invite people out for "entertainment?"...it's a quandry.

GIANTS WIN GIANTS WIN GIANTS WIN GIANTS WIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
NLCS - GIANTS 4 - CARDINALS 1
BOTTOM OF THE NINTH, SCORE TIED 1-1, 2 OUTS....FIRST PITCH, LOFTON SENDS IN A RUN....
WE'RE GOING TO THE WORLD SERIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(how cool is that???)

Cooking helps me to feel relaxed...until the crisis hits. Then I start to freak out. Then I think about how much I don't like cooking. Then the problem is resolved (usually with the help of Mama who has oh so more experience in these matters). Once the problem is taken care of, I love cooking again.

On the other hand, I always love taking pictures. The only problems I encounter are the occasional unwilling subject (my dogs who can't sit still...my best friend who puts her hand over her face...you know, the usual) and a once-in-awhile blurry photo. But the rewards are so much greater. That one picture in a batch of 100 that gives me that little jump in the chest. I love to take pictures.

By the way...my boys lead the NLCS 2-0 against the cards...welcome home, boys. Welcome Home.

Baseball announcer one: And so Felix Rodriguez is pitching now. He's one of the best closers in the major leagues.
Baseball Announcer two: I like chocolate ice cream.
Baseball Announcer one: (silence)

WHAT??

OMFG. How can people be so f-ing stupid? Irene...I need you to cuss for me and call people names behind their backs. Would anyone out there actually WANT to be in a room with about 40 13 year olds for FOUR G-D HOURS? I didn't think so. When I asked someone to switch with me, she had the nerve to say to me, "oh-no, uh-uh." So, I continued to be stuck in the room for FOUR F-ING HOURS. Worse, the kids didn't get the organized activity I had planned, and so they stayed bored out of their little minds...AGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGH.

Okay, so I'm still riding on the high of the Giants Win. Our A's biased newspaper actually remembered the Giants today and put a HUGE picture of MY MAN JT on the front of the Sports Page. No negativity today...it's all about the Love of the Giants.

On another POSITIVE NOTE - I get to stay at my current school site. Originally, I was going to be stationed across town (like waaaaay across town), but YEAAAAHHH I get to stay with my kids!! I'm happy about this. Ride that wave...

GIANTS WIN NLDS AGAINST ATLANTA!!!!!!!!!! GIANTS WIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GIANTS WIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THANK YOU VERY MUCH J.T. SNOW AND JEFF KENT - IT'S ALL YOU!!!!!!!!!!!
WATCH OUT ST.LOUIS, 'CAUSE HERE WE COME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lungs are a vital part of the body, correct? So, when they don't work properly, it's rather difficult to function normally. This is my current problem. To put it rather bluntly, asthma sucks. It really, really does. I hate not being able to breathe. Previously, the whole asthma thing was only a factor when exercising, but for the past 10 days or so, I've had constant trouble. I'm taking inhalators (which really do help), but it's still a problem. I don't like not being able to breathe.

Happier than before. Certainly true.
Not as happy as I want to be. True again.
Angry for no apparent reason. Every day.
Wishing my lungs would work. Every moment.
Missing my friends. Always.

Do you know what would make me happy?
I haven't a clue.
I do know that I need to find it soon.
For if I continue to stumble through this life discontented,
I fear that I will do more harm than good.

It's not enough for me to help other people.
I need to help myself.
But I don't even know where to begin.
I try to convince myself that I will find my happiness in
Making others smile.

It's not enough, I know now.
For I am forgetting how to make myself smile.

Descending into somewhere I don't want to be,
I reach out and find everyone busy.
So I lie and say that I am busy, too.
Oh, my life feels so full at times, but
I am lacking in so many areas.

I hear of others getting together,
and I feel abandoned.
I understand that my fears were true.
That they hung out with me only because
I was there.
Now that I'm not. They don't need me.
Or want me around.

Still, I can be cheered.
Adolescent boys find me fascinating.
Where were those boys when I was their age?
Where are those boys my age?

Where have I gone?
How can I find my way back to the girl I was
Before I knew that I don't quite fit in?
How can I find the joy I once found in
Simply being Myself?

I wanted to write about some song lyrics I heard today, but instead I have a couple of other things to say. First of all, my friend and I who were in a fight have made up. That's the only good thing that happened all day today. I'm very grateful for it - BELIEVE ME - but I'm cranky and in a pissy mood after the rest of the day.

I've discovered that as I spend more time with the kids at work, I develop a bond with them of some kind. Then, when I found out what someone else has done to that child (yes, even a parent), I get REALLY MAD. I can't do anything about it. I found out today that one of the kid's mothers had custody of all three children, then she decided that she didn't really like the middle one (the boy I know), and so she sent him back on a plane, by himself, FROM ALASKA. Also, her new husband didn't like him. How can you do that to a child?? You can't just decide one day that you don't like YOUR OWN CHILD. AUGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGh.

Second, my mom's sick. And that always sucks.

Third, my dad's not too good at the whole "pickin' up his end of the stick" thing. My mom's sick. I was an hour late getting home from work (some people just don't know how to stop talking...myself included). Did he start dinner? No. Then, when I tell him that I'm sorry I got upset, he gets all, I don't know. Annoying. He says, "I deserved it" in this guilt-trip-ridden voice. I can't take care of EVERYTHING. Okay, so a few weeks ago, my mom's doctor said that I shouldn't have shoulder the burden of a household. Well, maybe I shouldn't, but I do.

Fourth, I just had a disturbing e-mail from my best friend. Her life sucks today, too.

From Guster: I deserve a world of my own.

Someone at work told me today that we can't judge other people's parenting. That's not our job. I agree with her, to an extent, but I also have to say that our entire job is based in judging parenting. The mere existence of an after-school program judges and suggests that parents cannot find a way to take care of their kids without the city stepping in and offering a program. Don't get me wrong, I love the program, and I'm very glad that it exists.

In any case...I need Arts and Crafts Suggestions?? Anyone have any? Let me know (you know how to reach me), and I'll try to implement them...if they involve glue and markers, that's even better...the kids seem to love that stuff!!

Have you ever missed somebody even though you were the one to "technically" do the leaving? I miss my friend. I need to give her time to deal with some things that I said to her (about her...about the friendship). Even though this, hopefully temporary, breech in our friendship is, for all intents and purposes, my fault. I feel like maybe my words weren't understood or that she's decided that our friendship isn't worth the fight. I'm giving her time, but in the mean while, my mind keeps making up reasons, like the one above. Luckily, I maintain my sanity (despite outside pressures to the contrary) and realize that the girl has an INSANELY busy life and is most likely just waiting until she has a substantial amount of quiet, private time to reflect on my comments and formulate a response. I understand that it might be QUITE a while before she has the time and is willing to spend her long-sought-after down time to do something fairly unpleasant.

Also...something to consider: The nets that catch us when we fall can get holes, can have weak spots or might otherwise need our attention before we can expect them to catch us when we fall.

If I can stop one heart from breaking
I shall not live in vain,
If I can ease one life the aching
or cool one pain,
or help one fainting robin
unto his nest again,
I shall not live in vain.(Emily Dickinson)

I leave you peace; my peace I give to you. I do not give it to you as the world does. So don't let your hearts be troubled or afraid. (John 14:27)